Page 36 of The Pieces We've Lost

“I couldn’t just let you go after that day,” I admitted. “I kicked myself for getting out of that car and not telling you how I felt.”

“But why? What makes me so special?”

God, I wished she could see herself the way I saw her. I didn’t see her as the guarded girl who had lost her dad in a tragic rodeo accident. Yes, it was a huge part of who she was, but I knew that wasn’t all she was. She was so much more.

“From the moment I saw you, I knew you were special. I’d never met someone who didn’t immediately see me as a trophy. Granted, you didn’t see me as anything.” I laughed, thinking about the very first time we had met. “But then I got to know you. I got to see the side of you no one else sees. And I like it. I like you, Ellison. I can’t tell you how to feel, but I want to believe you see that there’s something here too. I’d show up for you a million times if that’s what it takes. All I’m asking for is a chance.”

I watched her eyes narrow as she thought about what I was saying. I braced myself for her to reject me, knowing this time if she did I would finally let her go. I would accept that I had failed again—that maybe the voices in my head telling me I wasn’t good enough were right—and go back to Montana and try my hardest to forget about the girl I had met by chance here in Houston. The girl who made my heart race after feeling like it would never beat for someone again.

No one had ever made such an effort for me before. My jaw practically fell on the floor when I walked throughthose doors and saw him sitting there. What had I done to deserve that? I hadn’t done anything. Ididn’tdeserve him. And yet, there he was, asking me for a chance whenIshould have been the one on my knees begging for one.

I was still terrified, there was no denying that, but if Colter could risk his heart for me, then I would be willing to risk mine. I knew it would take time, my walls wouldn’t come crashing down overnight, but Colter had already been slowly chipping away at the stone around my heart, piece by piece, brick by brick.

“Okay,” I whispered. I watched his shoulders relax, the tension melting off of him. He thought I was going to tell him no again and that alone caused a pit to form in my stomach. What was going to happen when I couldn’t be enough for him in the end? I could hardly fix my own heartbreak; I didn’t want to be responsible for another person’s.

“Hey, look at me.”

I looked up at him, his pleading hazel eyes meeting mine.

“I’m not going anywhere. Let me prove that to you.”

I wanted to believe him, but the last person who had told me he wouldn’t leave was my dad.

But the least I could do was try. “Okay. I’m not either. But I need to know something. Why try so hard for this? Why me?”

He inhaled a deep breath, his eyes dropping for a second before he looked me in the face again. “My parents are divorced. They divorced when I was in college and everything I knew about love came into question for me. I also failed someone before and it destroyed me. I never wanted to be like my parents and I’ve blamed myself for it every single day since. It made me question myself, myfeelings and whether I did enough, whether I was enough. I don’t want that to happen again. I don’t want to have any regrets or think about how I could have done more.”

Realization hit me with his confession. Yes, Colter was a cowboy, and the last person I thought I wanted to be around, but he was so many other things too. He was a son, a brother, a human being. And I had been so hard on him. I had been so focused on my own loss that I never once considered his side and the things he had been through.

“I’m sorry. I had no idea.” I bit my lip.

“How could you have known? It’s not your fault.” He took my hand and just held it. We sat like that for a few minutes, existing in the same space, not needing any explanations or confessions. I had so many questions, but now wasn’t the time.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

colter

Ihad told her one of my deepest secrets—well, kind of. I didn’t exactly tell her about my engagement, but I alluded to it. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her everything, about the aftermath of the breakup. How I felt so unworthy of love and inadequate that the only thing I could do to quiet the darkness in my mind was to turn to the bottle. How sometimes my demons still took over my mind and made me feel like nothing. Which was what I would have to do if I told her about Sophie.

You couldn’t have one without the other, they were both a part of me. The year after we split had been one of the worst of my life. I never wanted to be the person I was in those twelve months again.

I took another pull from the bottle of whiskey on my bedside table. I was still thinking about Sophie and the breakup. It had happened more than three months ago, but I still couldn’t get past the pain.

She didn’t want me,us. If I—the man that loved her with every fiber of my being—wasn’t good enough for her, how could I be good enough for anyone?

Self-loathingechoed through my subconsciousness. That was my cue to drink more. I would drink myself into a coma if it meant I didn’t have her on my mind anymore. It was the only coping mechanism I could think of. I couldn’t sleep because she haunted my dreams, and I couldn’t stop drinking because she haunted the waking hours too.

Someone knocked on the front door, but I didn’t get up. I couldn’t. If I got up, I knew I would have ended up on the floor and I would have stayed there. My bed was far more comfortable. I wasn’t sure if I was imagining it or not, but then whoever was at the door started pounding on it.

The pounding got louder and louder, so I yelled, “Go the fuck away!” and eventually it stopped. Either the person had left or the alcohol was actually doing its job and numbing everything around me.

I took another drink and realized I was almost to the bottom, but the pain still hadn’t subsided.Fuck.I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw something, or punch a wall, cause myself pain in some other way so I wouldn’t feel the heartbreak anymore. I should have fought harder for her. I should have done something to make her stay. Why did I just let her go like that?

I finished the bottle. I had been sitting here for hours, taking shot after shot, pull after pull, but nothing was working. I didn’t even know how much whiskey I had gone through in the last week. I had lost count, but I knew it had to have been a lot. I wanted to get up, no, Ineededto get up to find another one, but I couldn’t.

September came, and I still went to rodeos and competed, but everyone knew I wasn’t at my best. It was only a matter of time before my career suffered too. I stayed sober to rope, but the moment I got back home or back to my trailer, I started drinking again.

We had just finished roping in Idaho. We received a no time that day and it had hit me hard. A no time meant no money earned, not that it mattered because I was spending it all on gas and alcohol. But it affected our standings and affected Reid, maybe more than anyone.This was his future too, and I was ruining it. Not to mention we were essentially taking a loss financially, because of entry costs.

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