Page 78 of The Pieces We've Lost

We were throwing each other a lifeline here.

“There was no way you could have known. I never told you anything about her, about what happened between us.” He squeezed his eyes shut, pausing for a moment as if he needed to compose himself. “I never told you because the breakup destroyed me. I was scared to tell you what happened because I didn’t want you to see me differently. After she left, I was angry, depressed, and I had a drinking problem. I was doing whatever I could to try to numb thepain, even if it meant everyone around me suffered. If Reid hadn’t helped me, gotten me back on my feet, I wouldn’t be sitting here.

“And I hate that about myself. I hate that I wasn’t strong enough, that I didn’t fight hard enough for her, enough for myself. I couldn’t even keep myself together.” His voice had turned gravelly, like it still pained him to talk about it.

I started to tear up, thinking about how selfishly I had run away without considering his emotions, how it might affect him. All my life I had been running, retreating from anything that could cause me or others to hurt. But I was here now, and I wanted to take all of his pain away—reassure him that he was enough and he didn’t have to hide. I was his and he was mine, and I wasn’t going to run anymore.

He had done so much to make me feel like I didn’t have to fight on my own. He had been strong for me, and now it was my turn to be strong for him.

“I’m here now. It’s okay, we’ll get through this together,” I murmured, maybe to myself more than to anyone else.

Healing wasn’t linear, I knew that better than anyone. But I also knew that no one should have to feel like they were alone in whatever challenges and struggles they faced. The road ahead of us would be long, with winds and speed bumps, but I knew we could make it. We had made it this far, after all.

CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

colter

The concussion really threw a wrench in my plans. The doctor prohibited me from competing for about a month. If I was lucky enough, I would be able to come back for the Home of Champions Rodeo on the Fourth of July, one of the largest rodeos in the state, where some of the best of the best would be competing. Competing in that event would be crucial to maintaining my spot in the world standings and making it to the NFR.

Ellison changed her travel plans to stay in Montana with me while Reid and the boys went out on the road. Neither of us wanted Reid to have to stay home and miss out on competing, but I still protested her staying. As much as I wanted her here, I didn’t want her staying for this reason.

I kept saying I would be fine anddefinitelywouldn’t be practicing while they were gone, but apparently no one believed me, and my girl was stubborn enough that she would have argued with me about it until the end of time.

I overheard her make some calls before we left the hospital.

“Mom, there’s been an accident,” she’d spoken in a hushed tone.“It’s okay, Mom. Colter got a bad concussion. But he can’t compete for the next month and no one trusts him not to try to tough it out. The last thing he needs is brain damage.”

I puffed air out of my nose at that as she continued.

“I think I need to stay here longer. Will you be okay by yourself?”

Her phone call with her mother went on for a little bit longer, but she stepped away so I couldn’t hear unless I really strained my ears. When she came back, she was on the phone with the airline, already switching her flight back home.

“Hi, yes, my name is Ellison Wilson. I had a flight out of Bozeman in a couple of days, but I’m going to need to reschedule my flight. Mm-hmm. Yes, thank you.”

I had to admit, I did appreciate her making such big sacrifices for me, but I was supposed to be stronger than this. I wasn’t supposed to be the one who needed help from everyone; that was a past me I didn’t want to think about anymore.

If anyone could understand how I was feeling, it was Ellison, but I still didn’t feel strong enough to bare that piece of my heart to her. She knew about the engagement and a little bit about the drinking problem now, but what she didn’t know was how much I still felt like a failure because of it.

Before Ellison came into my life, I wasn’t worried about failing because my only focus was on rodeo and Reid and I were successful. But then she came into the picture and raised the bar for me. She added this layer to my life, patched up the parts of me I didn’t know I was missing and made me feel more complete.

The boys took us back to my house, and Reid gave me the whole lecture about not practicing or doing anything that could set back my date for getting cleared. A lot of times in this career, cowboys would sustain a minor injury, but the pressure would surmount, and they would let peer pressure, from fans, sponsors, or even other competitors, get to them, ultimately making the decision to compete and causing the injury to be much worse.

“Colter.” He looked me in the eyes, his expression hard and stern. “I mean it.Ineed you at one hundred percent. I’m fine without you when you’re not at your best. Just focus on coming back healthy.”

No pressure, buddy,I thought, but all I did was nod. We would come back from this, it was a minor setback.

Yeah, a minor setback that’s costing you thousands of dollars.

“They’re probably branding back at home right now,” Ellison whispered to me as we lay next to each other in the dark. “Branding is always kind of a shit show on the Merritt ranch.” Her body shook with silent laughter.

“Why’s that?” I laced my fingers with hers, brushing my thumb over her index finger.

“It’s a miracle if someone doesn’t accidentally get branded or shot. Truthfully, though, my mother runs a tight ship during branding, so you wouldn’t think things would happen but they do. I don’t hold the calves when we brand, so I don’t have to deal with accidentally getting branded at least. But I have to deal with men telling me that they can rope better than me.”

I could somehow feel her roll her eyes in the darkness.

“Well, that’s a huge mistake on their part,” I responded.

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