Page 80 of The Pieces We've Lost

I woke up to her fast asleep, still holding me in her arms. She was so perfect, and I was nowhere near the man she deserved. I so badly wanted to be that, I just didn’t know how. She deserved someone who wasn’t going to use her like a crutch, someone who could stand on their own.

I moved to get up, to go outside and get some air. I needed to think. I sat on the bottom step and put my head in my hands, not knowing what to do or where to go from here.

A little while later, the front door creaked and she walked up behind me.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

I didn’t knowhowto talk about it. Yeah, I had Reid, but I never unpacked all of my trauma with him.

“I know it’s not the same, but I’ve been where you are,” she sighed, sitting down beside me. “My dad didn’t just die from a rodeo accident. I was there when it happened.”

I sucked in a breath, my heart feeling like it stopped, for her, for me, for both of us.

“How did you get past it?” I asked, my voice shaky.

“I haven’t. At least not completely.” She laughed as though she realized the irony in it all. “I was angry about it for a long time. I was mad at my dad for promising that nothing would ever happen to him, for competing in rodeowhile knowing the risks. I considered him selfish for months after the accident. My mom even took me back to Wyoming—to Cheyenne—where they met, and I didn’t understand how much meaning that trip had until recently. The truth was, my dad loved rodeo. It was his passion, his life. But he also loved me and my mother more than anything. Nothing can take that away from me.”

She looked away for a moment, but then her eyes came back to mine. “I still struggle with the loss of him every day. I keep a strong front for the people around me, my mother especially, but sometimes it feels like the ceiling is caving in on me. Gradually, it’s gotten better, though. You’re not alone, Colter. You have so many people around you that love you, you just have to let them in.”

“I put so much pressure on myself.” I sighed. “I’ve blamed myself for so long for how my relationship with Sophie ended. I felt like a failure—most of the time I still do—and seeing her in the hospital brought up all of those feelings again. I guess I’m scared that with being unable to compete for the next month, I’ll end up failing Reid too.”

“It’s not your fault, Colter. Relationships are a two-way street and Sophie made her choices, you said that yourself. I know it’s hard, trust me, but you are not a failure. You are so much more than you could ever imagine. You are everything to Reid and the guys, you just have to be able to see that for yourself. I had convinced myself I would never be a part of rodeo again, a part of this lifestyle, but you’ve helped me see there’s still good in it. These wounds don’t heal overnight, but every day, even if you take one tiny step, you get closer. And I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you, like you have been for me.”

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

ellison

It killed me to see Colter hurting. If I could have, I would have taken every ounce of hurt in his body and transferred it over to me—even if it meant I broke down as a result.

He soaked in my words, storms behind his eyes. “Thank you,” he whispered.

We sat there, on the front steps of his house, for what felt like hours, holding each other and listening to each other’s heartbeats and breathing.

He kissed my temple, mumbling, “Thank you,” over and over again.

In that moment, I silently promised I would do whatever it took to make sure he never felt alone. That even if I couldn’t take away all of the weight on his shoulders, I could at least lighten the load. He might have seemed like a failure in his eyes, but to me he was everything.

If I wasn’t sure before, I was confident then. As we sat in silence, I realized I was falling for Colter Carson. Theidea of being in love with a cowboy had always seemed impossible to me. But with Colter, I just knew.

The Fourth of July rodeo was a week away. The doctor had cleared Colter for moderate activities, not competing at full speed, but he was able to ride again and do minor work around the ranch. This brought his spirits up, and over time it felt like the Colter everyone knew was starting to come back.

I knew a lot of it was a mask, that he was hiding a much darker side of himself, but I was there to support him and let him decide how he wanted to move forward on his own terms. I’d experienced people trying to force me into therapy before and I wholeheartedly believed Colter would pursue that route when he was ready to.

For now, I was there to hold his hand when the nightmares came, although they were starting to become less frequent again. I wanted to believe I was prepared when they came, but sometimes my heart still dropped into my stomach when he started shaking and couldn’t control his breathing. I did the best I could to ground him and bring him back to me, though, even if it meant just holding him and staying awake watching him sleep until the sun rose.

Witnessing Colter’s struggles, knowing what he was also going through, encouraged me to look back at myself and what I’d been through and consider giving therapy another try. I had started to research practices back in Texas that I could reach out to when I got back home.

When I had tried it before, I was admittedly stubbornand it was hard to connect with people and admit that it was okay to get help. Now, I realized everyone struggles in their own ways, deals with their pain differently, and it was okay to seek out help.

I’d talked to Isa on the phone a few times in the past couple weeks to tell her what was going on and also because I missed her. We had never really been apart for that long; we were practically attached at the hip.

“Hey, babe, how’s everything going there?” she had asked one morning after a particularly rough night.

“It’s been okay, I just wish I could do more to help him.” I didn’t divulge all of the details of what he was going through—that was his story to tell—but I’m sure she could sense I was tired from restless nights worrying about him.

“The best you can do is be there for him, Ells. I know it’s hard, but you know better than anyone, sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on. I know he appreciates you being there.”

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