Page 111 of Consummation

“Welcome to my world.”

“Well, she won’t say no—because you won’t fuck it up this time.”

“But what if I can’t help myself? What if I’m just so clueless I’m incapable of getting it right?”

“You can’t fuck it up, Josh.”

“Well, that’s obviously not true.”

“No, I mean, you can’t fuck it up this time. All you have to do is follow Kat’s own advice.”

I look at my brother blankly.

“When I was Boring Blane for you—which by the way gave me a mild case of post-traumatic stress disorder—thanks so much for that—I asked Kat’s advice about proposing to Sarah. And you wanna know what she told me?”

“No, Jonas. Please keep that little nugget to yourself.”

“She told me to keep it simple. She said as long as I spoke from my heart, whatever I said would be grandchildren-worthy.”

I sigh. “Kinda vague to be helpful, bro.”

“Not really. Just speak from your heart. Tell her you love her. Tell her all the reasonswhyyou love her. That right there will be epic enough.”

“Says the guy who shoved his fiancée off Mount Olympus and made her paraglide to the Aegean before he’d kneel and give her the ring.”

Jonas laughs.

I look out at the city. The sky behind the faraway buildings is beginning to lighten with the faintest glow of orange.

“Jonas, I need something more concrete than ‘speak from your heart,’” I say. “Please.”

“Well, I don’t know, man. I don’t know Kat like you do. You just gotta think about what makes her tick and deliver it to her.”

I think about that for a minute. “Fantasies. Mini pornos,” I say. “She’s got the most active imagination of anyone I’ve ever met.”

“Okay. Good start,” Jonas says.

“She loves shit likeThe BodyguardandPretty Woman,” I continue. “She’s seen her favorite movies like twenty times each.”

Jonas laughs. “Well, there you go.”

“In the beginning I thought Kat was a total dude—I kept asking her if she was hiding a dick and balls under her dress—but now that I know her really well, it turns out she’s a chick through and through. A diehard romantic.”

“Well, you just answered your own question. Make Kat feel likePretty Woman.Give Kat the modern-day fairytale she obviously yearns for.”

I swig my water, thinking about that. It makes perfect sense, actually. “I’ve never seenPretty Woman,” I confess.

“What? Are you kidding me?”

“You’ve seen it?”

“Of course.”

I shake my head. “Jesus, Jonas. Have some pride, man.”

“Josh, you’re an idiot. Why do you think romantic comedies are so successful?Because women absolutely love them.So why thefuckwouldn’t you want to knowwhy?” He shakes his head at me like he’s explaining something ridiculously basic to me. “If you knowwhywomen love that stuff, then you gain invaluable insight into what makes them tick—which you can then use to your benefit in countless glorious ways.”

I must admit, he’s got my attention. “I’m listening,” I say.

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