Page 115 of Consummation

“How’s our avocado today?” I asked Kat just this morning in our bed, running my hands over her naked belly, pressing my hard-on into her side, licking her nipple, inhaling her scent.

“Oh, no, babe,” she said, sighing with pleasure when my fingertips migrated south and began gently stroking her tip. “The kumquat was an avocado a couple weeks ago—the kumquat’s a freaking bell pepper now.”

“A bell pepper?” I said, running my fingertips lightly over her slick tip, coaxing her into delicious hardness. “Whoa, this kid’s unstoppable.”

Kat shuddered with pleasure and arched her back as my fingers began massaging her in earnest, and that was all the dangling carrot I needed to stop talking and get serious about pleasuring her. With a loud growl, I opened her thighs, burrowed my head between them, and begin licking my hot little momma into a delicious frenzy.

“... and that’s why the Climb & Conquer brand embodies adventure, fitness, and, most of all, the pursuit of excellence,” Jonas is saying. “Each person’s individual but universal quest to find theidealversion of himself.”

I smile to myself. Jonas had originally planned to say “eachperson’s individual quest to find thedivine originalform of himself,” but I told him no fucking way. “Mark my words, the news stations will run that one sound-bite out of context, and all anyone will remember is the word ‘divine,’” I said.

“And what’s wrong with that?” Jonas asked.

“Dude, they’ll think we’re some sort of religious cult, not a rock-climbing gym. It’s off-brand. Tell Plato he’s gotta stay the fuck away from my grand opening. He’s cramping my style.”

“Fine,” Jonas said begrudgingly. “I’ll kick Plato to the curb just this once and dumb it down, Josh Faraday style. Happy?”

“Yes. Happy as a clam,” I said.

“So what should I say if not ‘divine original’?”

“I dunno. What would Josh Faraday say? That ought to lead you to the right level of dumb.”

“... all about reaching higher than you ever thought you could reach—literally and metaphorically...” Jonas is saying—and I have to force myself not to roll my eyes at that last bit.That’sJonas’ idea of pretending he’s a dumbshit like me—saying our company’s all about reaching one’s highest peak ‘literally and metaphorically’? It’s true, of course—that’s what we’re all about—but Josh Faraday would never say that particular phrase in a million fucking years.

“... and becoming better than you ever thought you could be,” Jonas says.

Everyone claps enthusiastically.

“And as part of our genuine commitment to extraordinary aspiration,” Jonas says, yet again making me want to roll my eyes at his word choice, “Climb & Conquer has identified certain designated charities we’ll be supporting with a portion of our proceeds.”

I look at Sarah in the crowd. She’s standing next to Kat and Henn and Hannah, staring up at her new husband like he’s a golden god. Just as I’m about to look away from Sarah, she pushes a lock of dark hair away from her face and her rock sparkles at me all the way up onstage. Shit. I hate seeing Sarah’s big-ass diamond—no offense to her. As happy as I am for Mr. and Mrs. Jonas Faraday, that goddamned ring only serves to remind me how much I’m physicallyachingto slip a big-ass ring onto Kat’s finger, too.

The good news is that, last night, after watchingPride and Prejudice, the last of the movies on my “Kat’s all-time favorites” list,Ifinallyfigured out exactly how to propose to Kat. Actually, the gist of my plan came to me weeks ago in Argentina while watchingPretty Woman—specifically, the scene where Julia Roberts goes into that ritzy store in Beverly Hills, all dressed up in her brand new clothes, and tells the bitchy store clerk she made a “huge” mistake the prior day by refusing to help her—but, last night, every last detail of my entire plan finally came together in my mind.

Everyone claps at something Jonas has said, so I clap, too, not wanting to look like I’m not listening (which I’m not).

“So, without further ado,” Jonas says, “let’s let the band play while you guys climb and conquer our rock walls and have a great time.”

Everyone claps and cheers.

I grab the microphone from Jonas. “Thanks for coming, everyone—Happy Birthday, Climb & Conquer!”

Everyone cheers again.

I motion to the band and they launch into a rousing rendition of “Shout” that has everyone instantly throwing up their hands and singing along.

Jonas and I stand for a moment, smiling together in front of a “Climb & Conquer Grand Opening!” banner as a photographer takes a hundred shots. When we finally make our way offstage, Sarah and Kat greet us, both of them sporting huge smiles.

“I’m so proud of you,” Kat coos into my ear, throwing her arms around my neck. “Watching you up there made me wanna attack you, babe—you’re a freakin’ rock star. Gorgeous. Funny. Charismatic. The sexiest man alive.” She literally growls and presses her body into mine, making my dick open its single eye and say, “Did I just hear a cock-a-doodle-doo?” “Oh my God, you make me horny,” Kat whispers, pressing her body into mine. “I feel like I’ve got a vibrator permanently pressed against my clit these days.”

“Babe,” I whisper. “You can’t say that to me right now. You’re making me rock hard.”

“Oh my God. Press it against me.”

I do.

“Ooph. I can’t resist you,” Kat says. “I wanna give you a blowjob right now.”

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