Page 56 of Dravin

She’s quiet for a long time. I can sense her hurt. Can she feel mine? Is it palpable? Is it clawing its way towards her like a wild animal?

“Like you always have.”

Her softly spoken words are full of kindness and trust, and devoid of anger. “Yes.”

She relaxes, and in a few minutes, I can tell by her even breaths that she’s asleep. Trusting me to hold her, to have her back, to do the right thing.

To know what that is.

Fuck me, the agony of this tattoo is nothing compared to what’s going to be tearing me apart inside over the days to come.

Chapter 12

Kael

I’ve been in hell for nine days.

My life, which was once about art and beauty, seems now to revolve around irony and hard lessons.

No one has ever asked me to give them space before. I’ve never taken the most secret, intimate parts of myself and painted them into being for anyone else to see. Dravin’s ask wasn’t a rejection. I’m not the only one hurting. I’m not the only one with a heart I’m just learning, a past I have to make peace with, and a present that I can barely fathom.

It’s still so hard not to be near him, but it’s given me time to sort out what’s real in my head and what’s not.

Do I think of him as a savior and a hero?

Not really. Those aren’t the words that I’d use.

Is it just my body and my hormones driving me to feel a certain way? Attraction is a powerful force. I’m a very visceral person as an artist, but I don’t want to go skin deep with Dravin.

Is it his edgy, mysterious past that draws me in? Is he a puzzle I just want to try and solve?

That’s not it at all.

Is there a part of me that only wants to be near him because he’s the last living link I know of to my brother?

While I wish that Dravin could share more about his and Marcus’ past, their friendship, and their experiences so that I could try and understand that side of a brother I loved with all my heart up until I was fourteen, and then vanished out of our lives in any tangible way. Returning years later as a completely different person, but who never ceased to provide for us and love us how he could. I get that it’s not a place Dravin can go now. Maybe not ever.

Marcus willed us together. He couldn’t protect me, provide for me, and love me from a distance any longer, and so he gave me Dravin. Understanding that in that exact way has given me so much context to the vow Dravin gave my brother, and has helped me understand why he’s struggling now with the idea of changing that promise. Marcus didn’t put restrictions on it, but there’s Dravin’s own honor.

I get what he meant. Feelings, emotions, and closeness are a risk. Love can heal, but it can also wound, scar, and break.

Dravin didn’t ask for space in order to punish me.

I know that he’s close by. I know that he’s watching me, and that’s comforting instead of being annoying. I’ve never felt more alone in my life, so I’ve done what I didn’t think I could do here. I’ve reached out.

I let Lark take me for coffee one morning with her daughter, who is absolutely adorable.

I took Ella up on her offer of a tour of the local college where she teaches. It’s summer, so the place was virtually deserted. I liked the vibe, and she was so passionate about everything. She told me how she left her degree when she came to Hart and had to finish it. I didn’t tell her that I’d been ripped from the middle of my own Masters, but she probably pickedup on my vibes, both nostalgic and eager to be there with her, talking history, art, and life. I was shocked to find out more about her and Raiden’s story, and a little bit about the club, how her and Gray’s dad came back to try and harm them, how she wanted to please him because she thought she loved him and all he did was use her. He tried to hurt her too, but she’s moved on. She’s so strong that she can forgive. She can look up and find the light and celebrate it.

I went to Willa’s antique store. Her space was incredible. I stayed for a few hours, since it took all that time to see everything, and Atlas got there just as I was leaving. He’s a really nice guy. Total golden retriever energy, and Willa is so obviously in love with him. They were so cute together, it was like eating a tub of ice cream and getting a stomachache after, except my ache wasn’t from watching them together. It was from wanting what they have.

Yesterday, I went to Tarynn’s salon for an hour and let her give me a trim. I wanted to ask her to dye it and do something wild with a cut, like getting the artsy mullet of my dreams, but I know that Dravin wants me to blend in.

I know it won’t be forever.

At least, I hope it won’t.

Kind of like I hope that our separation won’t be forever either. It would have been nice to take time to be friends before I skipped that step completely, but at the same time, I hope he doesn’t stick me straight into the friendzone. I know I couldn’t handle that. Not after touching him andseeinghim. I can’tsettlewhen I know there’s something so much more there.

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