Page 151 of Worthy

When I enter my room, I pause. She’s on my bed, staring at the hundreds of glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling that I still have from when I was a little kid.

“It must be nice to have lived in the same house your entire life.”

I shut the door behind me. “It was.”

Her head slowly turns, and she looks at me, waiting for an explanation.

“I wish we would’ve moved after Mom passed away. Maybe I would’ve struggled less watching my dad move on with his life if it didn’t happen here, where the sound of her laughter still lingers in the air. Sometimes, I swear I can smell her perfume.”

“I’m sorry about what I did down there. Is my mom upset?”

I push off the door and step deeper into my room. Books lie stacked beside the bed, and my bedside table is covered in crumpled-up candy wrappers. I won’t pretend I’m the tidiest person out there. “She was shocked.”

“Maybe I’m a lesbian?”

“I thought you didn’t want to put more labels on yourself?”

She looks at me when I lower myself down on the bed. “I don’t, but I’m also tired of questioning myself. Maybe it’ll feel easier somehow if I plaster on a label?”

“I doubt it.”

The bed shifts as she slowly sits up. “That night changed something in me.”

Scanning my eyes across the room, I sigh. “It changed us all.”

“Before, I was okay just skating along, living the life set out for me. But in the back of that van…” She shudders as if she’s back there in her mind. “I thought I was going to die. I can’t go back to who I was.”

“I can’t let you tell them about us.”

She flops back down on the bed and covers her face with her hands before releasing a guttural scream.

I wait for our parents to come running upstairs, but they don’t.

Her voice is muffled beneath her hands. “That’s all I want to do—scream. I want to scream until my lungs burn and I’ve purged myself of this anger inside me.”

“What are you angry at?”

A deep sigh deflates her chest. “Myself, mostly. Why is it so difficult to simply say ‘fuck it’?”

“Because you care.”

Lowering her hands, she looks at me. “Do you care?”

I look away. The sun is peering through the clouds. “You should talk to your mom.”

“Why? It’s not like she cares.”

“Why?” I frown. “Because she’s alive, and she’s here for you if you’d only give her a chance.”

Sitting up and throwing her legs over the side of the bed, Jessica stares at the floor as if it holds all the answers. Meanwhile, I gaze at her, unable to wrangle the emotions inside me that always seem to awaken in her presence.

“I guess I can’t argue with you.” She looks back at me, and I swallow down the thick lump in my throat. “Can I kiss you?” She slides closer on the bed, killing the distance between us. “Can I?”

My throat jumps. “It’s not a good idea.”

Her body turns halfway. “That’s not a no.”

“It’s not,” I admit as her fingers brush across my cheek. Her breath dances over my lips, making my eyes fall shut. I should stop this.

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