Page 36 of Further To Fall

“Whatever.”

A buzzing sound came from Liam’s direction, and he picked up my phone. “It’s Carter, she wants you to meet her for breakfast.” The fist I hadn’t realized had a hold of my chest loosened. Everything would be fine. I would apologize to Carter, and everything would go back to normal. Liam threw the phone in my direction, a bit harder than necessary. “Do the right thing, man.”

18

Carter

Isat at a table outside of Toast, one of Austin’s and my frequent haunts, drumming my fingers to the staccato beat of my heart that felt like it was going to come out of my chest. I didn’t have to go through with this. Austin could arrive, and I could just apologize for overreacting last night, and everything could go back to normal. But where would that get me in the long run? Nowhere I really wanted to be. I just had to resign myself to getting through the awkwardness and pain to come. The only way out was through. I forced myself to take a sip of the freshly squeezed orange juice and take a deep breath.

“Hey, Firecracker.”

And just like that, it was as if someone had kicked me in the gut, stealing all the air from my lungs. I turned in my chair, finding Austin’s tall frame towering over mine. “Hi.” It came out as a squeak.

He reached down, pulling me to my feet and into a hard hug. “I’m so sorry. I was an insensitive ass.”

I felt myself stiffen at the reminder of last night’s events, and I pulled back. “Let’s sit.”

Austin nodded and took the seat across from mine.

I took another sip of my juice and swallowed. I just had to say what I needed to say before I lost my nerve. “I need to tell you some things.”

“Okay, shoot.”

I fisted my hands in my lap, letting the bite of pain from my nails digging into my palms keep me from passing out or throwing up. “I’m in love with you.” Austin just blinked at me. “I know you probably already knew I had some level of feelings for you, but I just needed to get that out there first. I’m in love with you.”

There was no response other than the clattering of dishes and muted conversation around us. “I’ve come to realize that you definitely don’t feel the same way about me. I was kidding myself for a while that you might, but you don’t, and that’s not your fault or even something I can be mad at you about. I need to get over you. And to do that, I’m going to need to take a step back from our friendship. As much as it kills me to do it.”

Austin’s throat worked as his jaw clenched. “What does ‘take a step back’ mean?”

I pressed my nails harder into my palms. “I think it’s best if we don’t talk at all for a while.”

“How long is a while?” He ground out each word like it was a battle for him to say them.

“I’m not sure. Can I let you know when I’m ready?”

Austin tilted his head back and looked at the cloudless, blue sky. “Is this really necessary, Carter? I mean, we’ve been friends for a year, never crossed any lines. I’m not in love with you, but I care about you. A lot. And I feel like you’re punishing me for not loving you.”

I felt a tacky wetness on my palms, and some part of my brain realized I had broken the skin there with my nails. The pain was nothing compared to the wounds his last words had inflicted. “I’m not trying to punish you.” My voice was shaking. “I’m just trying to do what I think is best.”

“Best for you, but not me,” he said, his teeth grinding together forcefully between words.

At the end of the day, I guess he was right. I was choosing my happiness over his, but if I wouldn’t fight for my myself, who would? Not him. I needed to fight for me. “I guess so. I’m sorry, Austin, I really am.”

“You know what, Carter, don’t call. Befriending you was a mistake. I did it for Liam, but it was a mistake.” My heart splintered, sending what felt like millions of microscopic shards into my bloodstream, radiating pain throughout my body.

He stood, roughly shoving back his chair. “You’ve spent your entire life living in this naïve little bubble, thinking the world is all sunshine and rainbows, that everything will turn out exactly the way you want it to because you’ve willed it so. And if you can’t have it just the way you want it, you throw it away. Well, I’m no one’s trash. And it might be time for you to think about growing up.”

His words left burns in their wake, but I said nothing, just stared at the chair Austin had abandoned, letting my vision go hazy. What would hurt more I wondered: to never see my best friend again, or to live my whole life standing next to the person I loved to the depths of my soul but was destined never to have? I guess I didn’t have to decide, the choice had been made for me.

Minutes passed. Austin was gone.

“I guess I should go now.” I spoke the words quietly to myself as though they would will me into movement. I slowly and robotically pulled a five-dollar bill from my purse to cover the OJ and set it on the table.

I rose, spotting a bloody fingerprint on the bill. How fitting. I waited for a moment, glancing around to see if Austin might miraculously return, full of apologies and amends. There was nothing. No one. So, I turned and walked away, silent tears streaming down my face.

19

Carter

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