Page 90 of Beautifully Broken Control

I wasn’t sure everything would ever be okay again. Not for me. And definitely not for Cain. He’d let that pain fester, and it had turned septic. It was eating him alive from the inside out.

Me:I’ll explain when you get here. I’ll be by the gate.

The last thing I needed was to be accused of giving out gate codes to Cain’s house. Not that it mattered. I was sure he’d change all the security as soon as I was gone. I wasn’t trustworthy, after all.

Jensen:On my way.

I let out a shaky breath and hurried to stuff my belongings into the two duffle bags I had.Jensen. A place to live. A job. Chuck.I paused, trying to think of one more gratitude. I let out a choked sob. “I’m alive.”

I glanced down at the photo on the bed. I was alive, and the beautiful girl in that photo…her life had been cut short in the worst way imaginable. In that moment, I would’ve traded my life for hers. I would’ve done anything to protect Cain from the pain he was feeling now. But I couldn’t. And he wouldn’t let me help him bear it.

I slung a duffle over each shoulder and headed for the living room. Chuck snored away on the couch. His deafness finally came in handy. That scene in Cain’s bedroom would’ve scared him. I hooked the leash onto his collar and scratched his ears. “Come on, buddy.”

Chuck’s eyes flew open, and he took in my face. Like always, he immediately knew something was wrong. He lapped at my cheek. I picked him up and sat him on the floor. “I’ve still got you. You and me against the world.”

I headed for the door. My heart lurched as I reached for the handle. The tears I’d been holding at bay finally spilled over. This was it. I glanced over my shoulder, through that wall of glass, to the lake. The man that would probably always hold my heart stood on the dock, hands in his pockets, staring out at the water as if it held all the answers in the world.

He looked so very alone. My chest spasmed again. I wanted to run to him. To throw my arms around him and refuse to let go, no matter what ugly accusations he hurled at me. But I couldn’t. I had to save myself first. Even if it meant that my heart would never be whole again.

38

Cain

I watchedthe water ripple and flow. I was jealous of it. How no matter what was thrown its way, it stayed intact. It simply changed shape, form to adapt, but it always returned to its rightful resting place.

I couldn’t roll with whatever life threw at me that way. No. I bent, broke, shattered. Just like that bowl I’d thrown at the wall. Tiny, irreparable pieces lying on the floor.

“Fuck.” I’d thrown a bowl at the wall. I’d done that. It had been nowhere near Kennedy, but I’d still probably scared her. And then I’d left her, told her to get out, with no way of doing so. I was scum.

I turned and strode back to the house. I couldn’t be with her, that much was clear, but I could make sure she got back to town safely. To her life. Without me.

Just the thought had my chest seizing. A life where someone safe, like fucking Doug, would come along and scoop her up. Someone who didn’t have demons. Someone who didn’t lose their shit because she’d simply looked at a photo.

I looked up at the house as I climbed the stairs. I deserved the emptiness that awaited me. Beautiful, empty rooms. No soul. A home that would remind me every day how empty my life had become and whose fault that was.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I pulled it out.

Jensen:Not sure you give a shit, but I picked Kennedy up.

The cavity around my heart spasmed. Pain and relief all at once. She was gone. And she’d never come back. It was how things needed to be. For her protection, and mine. The safest thing for us both, even if it was the thing that would rip away my last shot at feeling again.

Me:Thank you.

I paused for a moment, couldn’t help needing to know more.

Me:Is she okay? Where is she staying?

I knew Jensen would take care of her, but I needed the details. The things that would hopefully help ease the painful vise on my chest. The invisible beast that liked to steal my breath and send my mind spiraling.

Jensen:No. She’s not. And I should let you stew and wonder, but even though you’re a total dipshit moron, I love you, too. The Kettle was cleared to reopen, so she’s back in her place.

I needed to call Walker and Tuck, see what they’d found out about the gas leak. Make sure everything was fixed. My hands cramped as I realized I had no excuse to make sure Kennedy was safe. I couldn’t give her rides or drop by her work or go with her to the shelter. She was going to be alone.

I couldn’t seem to fill my lungs fully as I ran back outside and around the side of my house. She’d taken the damn bike. Of course, she’d known where it was all along. She’d been humoring me. Letting me protect her because she knew it eased something in me. But that was done, over.

I opened and closed my fists, trying to get blood to flow there, trying to urge the muscles to release. My breaths came quicker, and the cramping only got worse. No. I wasn’t going to give in to this again. Wasn’t going to let that invisible beast control my life. Dr. Murphy called it anxiety, PTSD, but I knew the truth, it was a monster. One that would destroy everything.

She’s safe. Everything is fine.I repeated the words over and over in my mind until my heart rate began to slow, my breaths becoming more even. The world around me came back into focus. But I knew that at least half of what I’d chanted over and over was a bald-faced lie. Things sure as hellweren’tfine. They probably never would be again.

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