Page 100 of Viparious

“It’s okay, papa will make our bed then we’ll go to sleep.”

I zip my coat up to the top, so she doesn’t fall, and little holes form in the crisp blanket of snow as I push the shovel into it. It’s been snowing for too long and the ground is frozen. But I make a box that I think will fit us both and clear the snow first.

“You were the best baby. So happy all the time and no other baby is better than you.”

My ribs burn as I try to break through the solid ground. It’s light already and the shovel clinks as I try to cut into the earth. The snow crunches and I drop the shovel to wrap my arms around Vanya. I expect to see Len or Anika, for them to know what I’ve done, but a man walks towards me. He has a box in his hands and his coat is zipped up to his chin. I think he’s the priest but he’s wearing normal clothes. He doesn’t stop walking towards me and he doesn’t look at my face. His eyes dip to the ground and then to my crossed arms. No one is fucking taking her from me.

He stops in front of me and avoids my eyes as I feel everything burn. It’s not pain, it’s something else, something that will never be put out. His breathing shallows, the air not even fogging as he looks at the hole I’ve made and then at Vanya tucked in my coat again. He smiles at me without looking away from her and opens the wooden box. His voice is strange, low and soft, but choked at the same time.

“Rest, my boy, it’s my turn now.”

He’s not taking her away from me. I nod and step back as he sprinkles something on the ground and goes to a building in the distance.

My solnyshkuh, she’ll be warm in heaven, and a priest is here, it’s like a real funeral. He’ll give her blessings and she’ll go to heaven.

But I killed my baby.

I can’t go with her. No. I have to. She can’t be alone. I’m her papa, I have to stay with her.

The priest comes back with a bigger, thicker, shovel than I had, and he doesn’t lift his eyes from the ground as he starts digging. He alternates between sprinkling something on the earth and digging. I rock Vanya and rest my lips on her head over her hat as I hum bayu bayushki.

My beautiful baby, I’m sorry.

He’s faster than me and the stuff he’s sprinkling makes the ice thaw. The ground is softer, and he continues digging without making a sound.

When he’s done, he looks up and his eyes are red as he quietly asks, “What’s her name?”

I’ve never got to tell anyone her name and I stand taller, stroking her back.

“Vanya Vladislavovna Vartanova.”

His eyes get redder, and he looks away, sniffling because of the cold. He stands back and takes out his rosary, performing the blessings without me removing her from my coat. When he’s done, his hand comes up to rest on my shoulder, but it doesn’t touch. He speaks quietly, his voice cracking against the harsh air.

“You’re a good father, she will rest easy in heaven and wait for you.”

I push back and my face pinches as my brows come together.

“I’m not leaving her alone.”

He looks at me for the first time, but there’s no twisted smile on his face, and he introduces himself.

“Vladik, my name is Grigory and I’ve watched you look after your brothers. You won’t leave them alone, either. They are still young.”

I look past the snow-covered branches of the willow tree to my house. I forgot about them. They’re babies too and no one will be able to let them out of their room. No. What if their window is open? My eyes close and I go through the day.

Put Vanya to sleep. Put my brothers to sleep.

Locked their doors.

I didn’t open their window; they were in my room. Their window hasn’t been opened at all. They’re safe. But no one will feed them, or they’ll make them earn money.

No. I can’t leave Vanya.

The priest, Grigory, speaks again, softer this time.

“She will be at peace, my boy, don’t leave them alone.”

I blink and my lashes are frozen, but I slowly nod. He does it back and rests the shovel against the tree trunk before he walks away.

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