Page 75 of Viparious

“You know you have the strongest mama in the world, but she’s stubborn. Be like her. I won’t get to hear you call me papa, but I am. You, my baby, are the most powerful person in the world because I will destroy anyone who even looks at you. And your mama? She will go to war for you, with anyone, including God or the devil. Especially me, so remember that, okay? Be strong like your mama, not like me.”

1 Sorry baby, I love you

TWENTY-TWO

Inessa

My limbs are heavy, but my stomach is missing the weight I’m used to as I try to clear the fog in front of my eyes. My hand automatically goes to my stomach. It’s still swollen, but there’s no tension under my skin or movement. Vlad’s swollen, inked hand lands on top of mine and he speaks too softly.

“She’s been waiting for you to wake up.”

He doesn’t call her by her name and I croak it out, correcting him, “Verena.”

His lips lift and I hate it. All that time I spent with the other Vartanovs, and they brainwashed me to pick a V name. Their suggestions were variations of their own names, but it was still a V name.

Leaning over me, he strokes my hair back and it’s almost as though he cares. I shatter the illusion and stupidly hope clings to me as I ask, “Have you seen her?”

He hides his lack of emotion as he blinks and clears his throat. “My brothers have been sitting with her, so she isn’t alone.”

But not Vlad because he refuses to care about my daughter.

I don’t know why I keep talking or asking him for help as he wraps his arm around my shoulders to help me sit up. “Take me to her.”

My legs tingle as though there’s static under my skin. I expect him to run away, but he does the opposite. His hands are gentle, unclipping the wires from the monitors and disconnecting the IV. Looking at my exposed back, he pauses and rests me against the pillows. There are no words exchanged as he shrugs out of his suit jacket and drapes it over my shoulders.

He turns into a nurse and fills a glass with water before bringing it to my lips. I don’t know if he’s sustained an injury to the head, but he’s caring and patient. Which are not traits I would associate with him on any given day. This is the fourth time he’s done this, or fifth. Every time I’ve woken up he’s given me water and I couldn’t lift my head before. I have more energy now, enough to go to my daughter because she’s alone rather than have a pointless argument.

He sets the glass down and scoops me up with his arms under my knees and back. I lay my head on his shoulder as he carries me out of the room towards another private room. My eyes close and my breathing shallows as I turn lightheaded. We slow down and I’m imagining things as soft lips brush my forehead.

I want to hold her, at least once, and I reserve my energy.

My eyes open as we enter the room. Everyone else is sitting there around a transparent crib with lights shining on it. Viktor’s hand is through the arm hole as he comforts his cousin, and his smile is the widest in the room as he whispers, full of excitement, “She’s kind of wrinkly, but Dad said all babies are.”

Dani gets up from the seat she’s in and pushes it closer, joining the other adults all ignoring Vlad. Whatever he’s done has them pissed and disappointed. But I don’t care about any of it, I just want to see my daughter.

He gently sets me down in the seat as they make their excuses to leave. I don’t look away from the small bundle in front of me. Her skin is pink and delicate, but she doesn’t look like she’s in pain. The card above her head has her name filled as ‘girl’ Vladislavovich Vartanova. A dry laugh leaves me full of air. He gave her a patronymic name, but he won’t even look at her.

I move away from the infuriating idiot who refuses to make sense and go to the sink on shaky legs to scrub my hands. The V insignia on my ring finger isn’t for him anymore. It will forever symbolize my little girl. Refusing to let anything stop me, I ignore Vlad’s sudden need to hover around me. He doesn’t touch me, just follows me like a bad smell in case I fall.She won’t hear arguing, or someone cursing her parent. There’s no hope for he and I, but he still has the right to be a father.

I make sure there’s no sound to wake her as I carefully lift the top of the crib and gently cradle her in my hands. I’ve held babies before. They’ve never felt this delicate, and she doesn’t twitch as I lift her out. My smile is watery, counting her little fingers, and Vlad clears his throat, mumbling an excuse to leave.

“Let me know if you need anything.”

I won’t allow her to hear my voice full of ire the first time she hears it and don’t respond. Without turning to look at me, he walks away. I’m not used to the sight of him leaving despite that being his default. He’s never asked me to stay or even entertained the idea. But he didn’t lie about my use — this is how it was always going to end.I lower into the seat and move the little hat on her head out of her eyes. She looks grumpy, pissed off at the circumstances that brought her into the world.

“Hi, little wriggler, I’m sorry I didn’t see you first. I’m your mama.”

* * *

Spendingfour weeks in a hospital has me craving normal smells. Hope is a merciless bitch and I expect Vlad to be at the door as we’re both discharged. Verena is asleep and I turn at the sound of the steps as I smell the top of her head. But it isn’t the one man who should be here, it’s Valentin. He gives me a small smile, knowing my expectations and speaks softly so as not to wake the baby.

“You two ready to come home?”

I feel less nervous knowing I’m not going to be on my own and he’s done this before, so he can help me. I have more appreciation for him being a teenager and raising a child now that I know how terrifying it is. I’m not an adult and I wish I had parents who I could run to. Verena lets out a small warble and I feel my insides collapse. Every sound she makes does it and he must see how far out of my depth I am as he steps forward.

His voice is soothing as he takes her from my arms and gently positions her in the crook of his arm to massage her stomach.

“Hey Vero, are you scaring your mama?”

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