Page 95 of Vulnerate

“It’s not weird, Dani. Like your books, you need to know your mind will get fucked as well as your body.”

Maybe that’s why I like assholes, they’re all cocky shitheads and scratch that mental itch. I always thought I’d modelled my ideals on Val, his arrogant swagger and “don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Focusing on his bone structure I get lost in the symmetry. He’s so pretty, he would make a beautiful sculpture, all hard lines covered with softness and the apples of his cheek curve in a winding path pointing to his lips. Even his eye lashes are long and tickle my fingers, but he doesn’t stop my hands moving.

I’m sat naked on his thighs, yet he’s fully focused on my face. His hands don’t move off my thighs and his voice is soft and coaxing.

“What you thinking about, Dani mine?”

I’m trying not to think but his question pulls all the shit memories forward.

“I always wanted an older brother, someone who would protect me.”

Stopping myself from bringing up the reason why and how Carly tormented me for being a weirdo at every chance she got I wrap my arms around his neck and lay my head on his shoulder.

He strokes down my back and smiles. “What do you think Vlad is?”

If the scariest motherfuckers in history were lined up and I had to crown one the winner it would the eldest Vartanov. It’s dumb when he smiles and laughs like a normal human but there’s an undercurrent of violence in everything he does. Even when he’d pour cereal for us, there’d be this darkness lingering behind his eyes. It’s in all of them. Tali is the only one who can mask his like it’s less concentrated.

Stretching over the side of the bed while I examine the new tattoos on his chest, Val hands me a t-shirt and his voice stays that low soft comforting one.

“Arms up for me, rodnaya.” Sitting back, I do what he says, and I’m rewarded with a kiss on my forehead before he explains, “Viktor always wakes up early, no kid needs to see their parents naked.”

I try to get up, but he tightens his hold as I look at the door expecting him to be there.I don’t want the awkward conversations or to disrupt his life until we’re 100% sure that whatever it is between us would actually work. He’s a good kid and doesn’t deserve instability.

Val offers his own secrets as he massages up my back. “That shit is worse than anything else I’ve seen. It’s probably why Tali can watch horror movies with a smile on his face.”

Getting comfortable on his shoulder, I trace his jaw line feeling the course hairs prick my finger and soaking every little thing up.

“What shit?”

He’s usually loud about everything, his flirting, fighting, or fucking. It’s all in the moment and never about his childhood.He cups my jaw tilting my face up and there’s nothing but disgust in his voice.

“Len and Anika would fuck out in the open, they didn’t care that we were sat there. I think they enjoyed the fact we could see them and it was always loud, louder than when they were alone.”

That’s weird and perverted. How could you even get off with literal children in the room? I’m glad I never met his parents with Tali always telling me to stay home and sneaking out to see me when they’d visit.

Valentin absentmindedly strokes my back, and he stares up at the ceiling. His face is void of any emotion and he opens up for once.

“I’m not like Tali who remembers everything from that house, and he obsesses over it by making up theories. It happened and we got the shit kicked out of us, but we’re not there anymore, you know? Sometimes though, I can see myself becoming like Len. What if I have a shit day and take it out on Viktor?”

There’s nothing but honesty in my voice as I kiss his cheek. “You’re a good dad.”

He’s better than most I’ve witnessed. He’s like tio, always supportive and present. I don’t think Viktor could ever do anything that would have Val turning away from his son. Sliding down so he’s laid on his back, he hugs me with one arm and puts the other under his head replaying memories.

“I was shit, trust me. The first night it was just the two of us, he wouldn’t stop crying and I held him up begging him to stop.” The small laugh is full of love, and he repeats the conversation. “I’ll give youwhatever you want if you stop, come on little man. Your diaper is fresh, you just ate, and I’m not going anywhere.”

He pulls out a small leather photo case and blindly passes it to me as he continues with the memories. “I think I cried as much as he did, but he’s a good kid, by some miracle.”

Each page is filled with photos of Viktor. From him as a little baby with Tali holding him and Val stood in the background with nothing but fear on his face each birthday. It’s all documented and seeing it in print highlights how young they all were.

There’s one that shows each of their personalities clearly, even Dima is in it. Val only has on a pair of shorts, his knuckles are red and the lines of where his wraps were pressing into his skin show his fight hadn’t finished that long ago. Viktor is sat on his shoulders with a pacifier in his mouth and a scowl directed at the camera. Tali is midway through eating a cookie dressed casually, with Vlad on their other side in the finest tailored suit. Dima’s miserable face can’t even lift into a smile, it looks more like a grimace, and his elbow is resting on Katya’s head.

“How old is he in this?” I whisper as though anyone could possibly be disturbed.

His smile turns sad, and he strokes my nape with his thumb.

“Two, it was your birthday that day.”

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