Page 65 of Voracious

“It was re-real, I kil-killed him. He was only, only a baby.”

I hate the 104 days, it’s what made me Ana, my mind fractured and I can’t go back to who the other person was, maybe she could have been something better.

Less angry.

Less weird.

Less evil.

He squeezes my nape until I look at him, but there’s no fear in his eyes as he looks at me. He’s not telling me I’m bad and he wipes my face with the sheets before holding my jaw.

“You don’t hurt innocent people. You did nothing wrong, lisichka.”

He says it with so much conviction, so much belief in his eyes, that I can almost convince myself of the same. I go through the day and what happened to find the information to have me see what he does.

“I woke up in my room, the door was locked, Theo kept crying. Sun rise, sun set. Four times. No guards came. He stopped crying and then it started to smell.”

I can still remember the smell, 10 days until the guards came in and the smell was still there for the remaining 94 days when they wouldn’t let me out.

Dima tightens his arms around me and holds the back of my head. I can hear his heart pounding against his ribs, and it nearly drowns out his question. “What happened to you?”

“Nothing,” I mouth, trying to push away the memories.

They weren’t allowed to sell me, the other children couldn’t have any marks unless someone paid but I wasn’t part of their product, so it was free. I don’t want to tell him that, or how I forgot how to speak, or how the guards stopped giving me food and shut the water off, so I had to drink out of the toilet like I was a dog. Instead, I say the real answer. “Nothing happened to me, I was the one who hurt people.”

It’s my fault, I didn’t help them, and they all got hurt because of me. If I stopped it or killed myself then it wouldn’t have happened, but I didn’t know what death was. I didn’t know Icouldstop it – even if the only way would be by dying.

He kisses the top of my head again and his skin is colder as he tightens his arms around me. He presses his lips hard enough that his nose pushes in against my scalp and it muffles his lie.

“You didn’t do anything, it was all them.”

I can’t agree and I don’t like lying to him so I give him a different truth, hoping he’ll still help me.

“Nina isn’t my sister, I only spoke to her once and I slapped her.”

He sits me over his thighs and holds my face as I stare at the kot on his chest. I can hear his questions going around his head before he asks, “Why?”

He doesn’t say more but I know what he’s asking. Why am I doing this when I didn’t speak to her, when I hurt her, why did I hurt her?

My voice comes out small and weak as I trace his rankings with the tip of my finger.

“Because she’s the only person who didn’t hate me straight away.”

I’m stopped from hiding mentally as he tilts my face up and continues his lies. “I don’t hate you.”

Anymore.

I laugh, remembering all the things we’ve said to each other and point them out. “You said I need an exorcism and that Satan will run away when I get to hell.”

His face falls, remorse clouding his features when I’m not angry, I like it when people are scared of me, it means they won’t hurt me and they’ll leave me alone.

Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I kiss his cheek so he knows I’m not angry. It’s still dark outside and I try to move to let him sleep but he doesn’t allow me to and lays back, taking me with him. He knows all the worst parts and still smiles at me as he gently lifts my hair away from my face, then rests his forehead on mine while hesitating to say his thoughts. He should know I’m invincible, no one can ever hurt me or do anything to me, but he hesitates.

“I was a dumb fuck. You still scare the shit out of me,” he sighs, “but the thought of you not being here, with me, is more terrifying than any torture you’re capable of.”

I wouldn’t torture him, I like Dima. I focus on him admitting his fear, he’s a man, they usually want everyone to be afraid of them, Marlo did. He wouldn’t admit to be scared of anything despite the way he’d get a lump in his throat when I wanted to know about my dad. Or was it emotion? He felt bad because I’m his daughter. All my life I thought my dad was powerful,he’d look for me and save me, but the monster of my childhood wasn’t afraid of him, it was him.

That’s why he’d get angry when I was too dumb to know any different than trusting him and Yulia to give me the truth and I’d ask them if they’re my parents. That day he gave me the worst punishment, worse than the brands, and I couldn’t walk for days when he left. Why did they hate me for being born?

---