Page 103 of Volatile

Without meeting my eyes, she stares into space and mechanically rolls her sleeves up to her elbows. The cuts are deeper with thick burgundy scabs and angry red skin around them. I’ve never understood why she does it before, she said it’s because it’s overwhelming and she needs the pain, but now I can understand that need to chase something other than the shit in my head. As much as the pills are my obsession, my crutch, the self-inflicted pain is hers.

A small sniffle comes before a heavy, shame-filled tear hits her thigh. She angrily swipes it away as she forcefully pulls her sleeves down. Hooking my hand around her nape, I pull her closer and kiss the top of her head.

“You can stop, it’s okay.”

I’ve never seen her cry before and it’s disconcerting to hear her sniffle. It hits me then, she’s like Stasi and I’ll never be able to help either of them because they’re used to dealing with shit on their own. The same way I didn’t allow Kristi an option of being alone, I can’t do it with Stasi; she can shut the world out but I need to force my way through, so she knows she isn’t alone anymore.

“Tali, I’m scared,” Kristi whispers.

“Me too, Crusty,” I admit.

Blowing out a watery laugh, she shakes her head and looks at me like I can save her, like I’m not weak, and I can help her.

“I think I need all the donuts,” she whispers, even lower. It’s the codeword I gave her so I would know if she needs me.

“Then that’s what you’ll have, eat the burger first, dessert comes at the end of the meal, right?”

Stasi is alreadyin bed when I get home. She’s not asleep as she lays on her side facing the wall and holding her breath. Pressing my hand to the headboard, I kiss the back of her head and pull the sheets up to cover her shoulder even though she’s in one of my hoodies.

My body is heavier as I straighten and drag myself into the bathroom. I don’t turn on the lights and stand with the closet lights lightly illuminating the bathroom through the open door. Soft, hesitant footsteps get closer as my eyes close and my head drops back. If I see her hesitate around me I’ll fucking crumble.

Delicate fingers brush my jaw as she stops in front me and my throat constricts as I beg, “Talk to me.”

“Whatever you need, luschik,” she whispers. “We can hide away from the world right here.”

I wrap my arms around her, my nose tucked into the crook of her neck, and just hold her as she works her fingers through my hair. I don’t know what’s happening other than my woman, Stasi, who is hyper independent and refuses to allow anyone in her life, is opening up to me.

“I need to make them hurt for hurting you,” she admits. “And I’m sorry that I can’t do it with you next to me, but I’m not sorry for needing to do that. No one will get away with hurting you and that will never change.”

“That’s supposed to be my line,” I mumble and pick her up to sit on the vanity so she’s not forced to stand.

Her hands become even more gentle and she hugs my hips with her thighs, kisses my shoulder, then fucking wrecks me.

“It can be both of ours, we can look after each other.” She takes a fortifying breath, holding it as she asks, “It’s your turn to talk to me now, what do you need?”

I burrow closer to her, pushing my face closer to her pulse, and allow her every weakness, everything I’m not supposed to have as a man or a Vartanov.

“It hurts and I don’t have anything to help me forget it all. Not Len’s voice, Anika’s slaps, the drill, or how you were laid on the floor.”

“The drugs?” she asks softly, without judgment.

I nod and she wraps her arms around my shoulder, squeezing like she’s afraid I’m going to disappear when that’s my role too. Stasi makes it less lonely and I don’t have to hide from her, I don’t have to lighten the mood or be afraid that she’ll run because she’s holding on to me.

“Tali.” She kisses my cheek and her lips brush the shell of my ear as she says, “Let me be the voice in your head. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, you’re caring, strong in both body and mind, but your heart beats all those things. You’re someone we all need in our lives and you don’t deserve any of the shit people have done to you.”

Her voice cracks but she doesn’t cry as she whispers, “You’ve saved me for fourteen years, so now you need to know that if you go over the edge I will too.”

“Will you come back to me once you find everyone?” I ask.

She nods and there’s no pause as she agrees, “The second it’s over, I’ll be here with you. Let me focus on one thing at a time, then it’s all yours. I’m all yours.”

My body aches and the only thing keeping me standing is my girl as I rest my cheek on her shoulder and her hands are gentle as she strokes down my nape while whispering into my ear, “Just breathe, I’ve got you now and it’s my turn.”

My eyes close as I do what she said, copying her breathing and then word vomit all over her.

“I saw Kristi, she said she’s scared and I fucked up with her too. I said that I’d help her, and I didn’t.”

“I’m sure she’ll be fine, I’ll speak to her tomorrow,” Stasi whispers.

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