Page 91 of Ties That Bind Us

His words sucked all the air out of my lungs. This had to be some kind of sick joke. He had to have Ava mixed up with somebody else. She was almost sixteen weeks, wasn’t that too late to lose a baby? Our baby. The one we had an appointment for in two weeks to find out if it was a boy or girl. I could feel the rage pulsing through my body, and I ran my fingers through my hair to try to calm myself down.

“When you’re ready go see your wife, one of the nurses will take you down. And if you have any other questions, my name is Dr. Baker, feel free to have them page me. Again, I’m so sorry about the baby.” He gave me a sympathetic look that only infuriated me more.

How dare he? How dare he say he was sorry? He had no fucking idea what he was telling me. Ava and I had plans, and in ten seconds he had ripped those plans to shreds. How dare he tell me he was sorry as if he had any idea what he had just taken from me? I was suffocating; it felt like someone was sitting on my chest and I couldn’t catch my breath. I had to steady myself on the wall to keep from collapsing. The last few weeks, knowing Ava was pregnant and we were starting a family together, that we were physically bound to each other, had been utter heaven. It was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life, how could all of that change in one single second?

We were unable to save the baby.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek hard enough to draw blood, grasping anything I could to distract myself. If I didn’t, I knew I would break down right here on the emergency room floor. No, I couldn’t do that. I had to be a man and walk in there and tell my wife that our baby was gone. I had to comfort her, and hold her as she cried, and somehow make this okay for her. I had to fix this for her.

I wasn’t good at the emotional stuff, and the only way I knew how to fix it was to find the person responsible and tear them to pieces. Make them suffer. Inflict as much pain as I possibly could. Give them some semblance of the pain I was feeling right now.

“Nick, you should go see Ava,” my dad said, gently setting his hand on my back. He touched me as if he thought I was made of porcelain and would crack. I didn’t want to be comforted right now; it was only making things worse.

I jerked away from him, then slammed my fist into the hospital wall as hard as I could. I imagined it was the face of the person who was responsible, the person who would rue the day they’d even heard Ava’s name. Over and over again I punched the wall until the drywall crumbled under my fist.

Suddenly aware of all the eyes on me, I pulled myself together as best I could. I couldn’t break down. Ava needed me. I sucked in a harsh breath, shoving my own pain as far out of my mind as I could.

I turned and pointed at Leo. “You find him, and you bring him to me.” I didn’t even recognize my own voice, dripping as it was with rage and hatred.

Leo nodded silently, and then he and my dad left.

I followed a nurse down the hallway to Ava’s room. I stood in front of it for a few seconds trying to compose myself, to figure out what I could possibly say to her. Nothing seemed right, though, nothing carried enough sorrow. I just had to do it, I needed to get it over with.

I opened the door slowly. Ava was lying motionless on the bed with her back to me, her long, dark hair spilling down her back. My heart skipped a beat seeing her for the first time, realizing that she really was okay. At least for the time being.

It was dark, so I couldn’t see her body heaving until I got closer. Then I heard her soft sobs.

She knew. She already knew.

Her cries killed me. It was worse than any pain I had ever felt in my entire life. My heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest, as she lay oblivious to the fact that I was even in the room. I should have been here. I should have been the one to tell her. Instead, I was breaking down like a fucking pussy in the hallway. I had failed her again. Not anymore, though. I had to pull it together for her.

I made my way to her bed and climbed in next to her, and put my arm around her protectively. She didn’t move or waver in her cries.

“I’m right here, baby,” I whispered hoarsely, leaning down and kissing her cheek. “It’s going to be okay.”

She softened into me a little, and I buried my face into her soft curls, inhaling her scent. Having her in my arms gave me a false sense of relief. At least she was okay. She was all that mattered now. When she pulled away, I was worried, but then she turned and buried her face in my chest, her sobs intensifying.

“Oh God, Nick. Why? Why did this happen?”

I held my own tears back, stroking her hair softly, and wanting desperately to soothe her aching heart. I didn’t have answers for her, though. I had no idea why this had to happen to us. I was just as lost as she was.

“I don’t know, baby. But I promise you”—I kissed her forehead gently—“I’m going to fix this.”

I moved lower, pressing my lips to her cheeks, this time kissing her tears away. “I swear to God, I am going to make this right.”

Chapter 37

Nick

It had been seventy-two hours since the accident. I was no closer to pinning this thing on Asnikov than I had been that night, and that was pissing me off. I knew there was no way I could attack until I was sure, and that was making me antsy.

Ava spent one night in the hospital and then I was able to bring her home. I thought it would help to be at home, but it only seemed to make things worse. She walked around as if she was in a trance, hardly speaking or eating. She had lost a lot of weight in the last two days and barely wanted to get out of bed. This had crushed her in ways I couldn’t even imagine. I tried desperately to fix this in any way that I could, but for the most part she just wanted to be alone.

I busied myself doing anything I could to make it easier on Ava. I got rid of all her prenatal vitamins and supplements, donated the few baby items we had accumulated, and even hid the ultrasound picture. Anything that would remind her of the baby, I got rid of.

Once all that had been done, though, I was left alone with my thoughts. The silence was excruciating. All I wanted was for Ava to talk to me, but she was shutting down. Her sobs echoed off the walls, and every time I heard her cry, I fought the urge to go to her. She didn’t want me right now, and I needed to respect that. The gym became my sanctuary. I could crank the music up loud enough to drown out my thoughts and Ava’s cries, and exercise was at least a healthy way to get my anger out. Besides, I wanted to be as strong as I had ever been in my life for the moment I got my hands on Asnikov.

I had tried to get Ava up and out of the house at least for a walk or something, but she wasn’t having it. I knew the pain I was feeling was probably half of what she was. So conceding to her once again, I found my way down to the warehouse office. Even if my dad and Leo weren’t going to let me help with the investigation, I needed some kind of human interaction.

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