Page 93 of Ties That Bind Us

Chapter 38

Ava

I should have known. I should have known that things were too good to be true, and it couldn’t last much longer. I had never been happier than I was the last few months with Nick; everything seemed perfect and we were about to start our family together. I let my guard down, though, and now I was reeling more than I ever thought possible.

The physical pain I was in was bearable. It had taken surgery to stop the internal bleeding I had, and I had a pretty nasty concussion and cut on my forehead, but for the most part it was manageable. It was the mental pain that was the worst. It was suffocating, and I couldn’t even put it into words. One second I would be okay, and then something would remind me of it, and all bets were off.

I couldn’t bear being around Nick. Every time I heard his voice or saw his face all I could think about was how much I had failed him. Nick had given me everything, saved my life in more ways than I could count, and I couldn’t even give him the one thing he had asked for. I wasn’t wearing my seat belt and maybe if I had been, the baby would still be alive. I didn’t deserve Nick and the wonderful life he was trying to give me. The last few days he had been so attentive and caring, and all I had done was rebuff his efforts. In the beginning, he’d come in every few hours to ask if I wanted something to eat or to go for a walk. Eventually, he got tired of being shot down and would just peek his head in to be sure I was still alive. When he came in at night, he’d drape his arm over me and whisper how much he loved me, but I pretended to be asleep each time. There was even a small part of me that felt like I was being punished because of how I felt right off the bat. I had been upset to be pregnant, but that was because it was a shock. After I came to terms with it, my whole mindset shifted and I was thrilled. Why couldn’t I have felt like that from the beginning?

All I wanted was a little space to process everything. I appreciated Nick more than I could ever say, but right now, all of his attention felt suffocating. Every second he was trying to fix something he just couldn’t. He couldn’t make this better, he couldn’t make this go away, and every time I saw him, all I could think about was our baby. He was a painful reminder of just how much I had lost.

As much as I was ashamed to admit this, a small part of me blamed him. Nick swore up and down that he wouldn’t let anything like this happen, that he would take care of everything. I had trusted that, but he hadn’t, and now our child was dead, my family hated me, and I was completely isolated. Sometimes I felt like I was avoiding Nick because I didn’t trust myself not to say that out loud. I knew it wasn’t fair, and I hated myself for even thinking it. It was just another reason why I didn’t deserve Nick.

I knew it was irrational. The accident was just that—an accident. There was no way Nick could have stopped it or that I could have saved the baby. The doctor stressed that continuously. Neither one of us were to blame. Even the police who investigated the crash said the guy had been driving drunk and it wasn’t a targeted attack. I knew all that, but it didn’t stop me from feeling that way.

Eventually, I was going to have to face all of this. I couldn’t keep myself locked away forever. I needed to tell my family, I needed to go back to work. I needed to move on. But every time I even thought about it, I was reduced to sobs again. Everything had taken a backseat to the baby the last few weeks, and everything seemed pale in comparison.

I had heard Nick come home from the office about an hour ago, and had been trying to get up the courage to go talk to him since. He had only been gone a few hours. I knew when I went out there he would jump back into protector mode again and try to make this okay for me. The only thing he was doing, though, was making me feel inferior. I had failed already, losing our baby, and I couldn’t even pull myself back together, I needed him for that. I was pathetic. I could hardly take care of myself; I would have been a horrible mother. Maybe that was why our baby had been taken from us.

As I tried to get up the courage to go out there, there was a soft knock on the door.

“Ava? Can I come in?” Nick’s voice was broken and pained.

I didn’t answer, but he persisted, opening the door slowly. I could feel his eyes on me.

“Ava?” he asked again, hesitating at the door as if he was worried to come too far into the room. I didn’t blame him; every time he had been in here lately I had bitten his head off. He was only trying to help, and deep inside I knew that—I just couldn’t face him right now. My mind was clouded with feelings of failure, blame, and resentment of Nick. Each time I saw him, it only made things worse.

I felt the bed sink next to me and his fingers gently grazed my shoulder. I could feel how desperate he was in his touch.

Finally, I rolled over slightly, realizing he wasn’t going to give up so easily today. He gazed down at me, waiting for me to make the first move. Giving up on all other methods he had tried before, he was leaving the ball in my court and waiting for my cue.

“Hi,” I whispered, my voice scratchy. I had hardly said a word the last few days, and my throat was dry from dehydration.

“How are you feeling?” Nick asked, a renewed sense of hope in his face.

“I’m fine,” I said, sighing. Truthfully, he didn’t want to know how I was feeling, and by the look of pain he was already carrying, I didn’t think he could handle it.

Nick seemed to know there was much more to that answer than I was letting on, but he didn’t pry. “Can I get you something to eat? I brought Thai home. I thought that might sound good.”

If nothing else, Nick was relentless. He had been trying to get me to crack for days, and bringing home food was his latest attempt. I knew how much he hated Thai food, but I loved it.

“Thank you, but I’m not very hungry.” I propped myself up against some of the pillows, sitting up for the first time in what felt like an eternity. My head spun with the sudden rush of blood to it.

“Baby, you need to eat something. We’ve got to keep your strength up.” He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and looked at me pleadingly.

“I said I’m not hungry, Nick.” I sighed heavily. He took the cue and backed off a little bit, not pressing the food issue anymore.

“Do you want to come out and watch a movie or something?” He tried again.

“I don’t know if I really feel up to it,” I said shortly. My fuse was even shorter than normal, and though I hated myself for how I was treating Nick, I couldn’t seem to stop. I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t deserve his kindness, and the more he showered me with it, the worse I felt.

“We could watch it here if you want. I could bring a tray of dinner and we could get something on demand and just lie in bed.”

I moved away from him. “I don’t want dinner, I don’t want to watch a movie, I just want to be alone,” I hissed, curling back up into a ball and hoping he would just leave me be.

He wasn’t going to do that, though. Instead, he wrapped his body around mine.

“Ava, I know you’re hurting right now. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but please don’t push me away. Let me help you. We can get through this together.”

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