Page 94 of Ties That Bind Us

“Together?” I shrieked, throwing the covers off and bolting up. Nick looked at me wide eyed, as if he couldn’t believe I was capable of moving so fast. “Nick, you don’t get it. This happened to me, I need to deal with it on my own, and if I want to stay in bed and cry for a few days, I’m going to do that. I lost my baby three days ago, I think that should give me a little leeway.”

Nick’s face fell. “Our baby.”

“What?”

“We lost our baby.” He moved to the edge of the bed and sat there as still as could be. “I’m hurting, too, Ava. This didn’t just happen to you. I may not have been carrying our child, but trust me, I feel the loss all the same. But we don’t have to go through this alone. We can figure it out together, but you’ve got to let me help you.”

“I don’t need your help,” I cried, not even recognizing my own voice. It felt like the anger and grief was overcoming my body and I was being possessed by something. “I just need some space, Nick.”

“What do you mean?” Nick looked up at me defeated.

“You’re smothering me!” I cried. “Every time I turn around, you’re trying to be the hero and make all of this go away, but you can’t. All I see when I look at you right now is our baby, and it feels like I’m losing it all over again. You swore you’d keep us safe and nothing like this would happen!” I froze, the words had come out of my mouth like I was spewing venom. I didn’t mean it, though, and I regretted them the second they came out.

Nick surprised me and let out a sharp laugh. “Is that how you really feel?”

I bit my lip, tears streaming down my cheeks. I wanted to tell him it wasn’t, that I didn’t blame him, that I was just upset. I wanted to run to him and let him fix this for me, like he so desperately wanted to. Instead, my feet stayed cemented into our bedroom floor and my mouth stayed clamped shut.

“Don’t you think I have thought that a million times the last few days? I know I screwed up. I shouldn’t have taken Leo’s car. I shouldn’t have let Asnikov live after what happened at the dress shop. I should have kept you and the baby locked away somewhere until things were safe. There are a million things I wish I could have done differently, and I’ve been over them all because I have had nothing else to do. You’ve kept yourself holed up in this room like it’s the end of the world, and I know it hurts. Trust me, I fucking know it hurts because my heart is breaking at the thought of never holding our child, never knowing whether or not we were having a boy or girl, what we would name it. But it happened, Ava, and we can’t go back and change anything. All we can do now is try to pick up the pieces of our life and piece it back together. That is, if that’s what you still want.”

Each of Nick’s words hit me a bullet. I knew he was hurting just as badly as I was, but all I could focus on was my own pain and loss. I was in a vicious cycle of depression and my thoughts were being twisted.

“Is it what you want, Ava?” Nick asked, standing up and walking toward me.

“Ava,” Nick said, raising his voice at me.

“I don’t know, okay?” I cried, burying my face in my hands. “I don’t know anything right now. I can’t even make sense of which way is up and which way is down. I just need . . . I need some time, okay? Can you just give me that?”

Nick bit his lip as if he was holding back his own tears. “I’ll give you all the time you need, Ava. Until then, I’ll be in the guest room.”

Nick turned and walked to the door. He paused for a moment before walking out, as if giving me a chance to stop him. When I didn’t, he slammed the door behind him and I heard the sound of crashing and destruction out in the rest of the apartment. He was furious.

Disgust crept up my body and I felt like I was going to throw up. Why was I such an idiot? Why did I need to make this more difficult on him than it already was? Why couldn’t I just go to him and make this right?

In my heart, I knew I didn’t deserve him. Nick needed someone who was his equal. Who was strong and vibrant and would never blame him for something out of his control like this. All I did was hurt Nick. Since we’d started dating, all I had done was cause him stress. I hated myself, and I knew Nick would be so much better off without me.

Staying here wasn’t an option. I desperately needed some fresh air to clear my mind and the thought of another confrontation with Nick was debilitating. This was his home after all; he should be able to sleep in his own room in his own bed.

Grabbing my bag from the closet, I stuffed a few of my things in it.

I didn’t know where I was going to go, but I knew I needed to get out of here. I needed to clear my head before I talked to Nick again; I needed to know what I was going to do so I could stop putting him through all of this.

I wanted to talk to Bella but I couldn’t see her because she still lived with my parents. The thought of seeing them and facing more disappointment was too much. Angie would take me in but she lived too far away. Vince seemed like my only viable option right now.

I loved Nick more than anything, but if I had any hope of salvaging our relationship, I needed to put a little distance between us before I did something else I’d regret. It would be better for him too. Just a few days to heal ourselves and then figure out what came next. I hoped he would see it that way.

Chapter 39

Nick

I waited a little while before going back into the bedroom, hoping Ava would be asleep by the time I went in. I had to get my toothbrush, but I wanted to avoid another confrontation at all costs.

Her words had stung but they hadn’t really surprised me. I could see the pain and regret on her face as soon as she said them. Deep down, I knew she didn’t mean it. We were both hurting, and sometimes people say things they don’t mean when they’re backed into a corner. It was my own fault, it was too soon. The accident had only been three days ago, and this was all still very new and raw for her. I thought the tough love approach would work, make her realize that we could get through this, that it wasn’t the end of the world. She was right, though, if she wanted to stay in bed and cry for a few days, who was I to stop her?

What hurt me most was the way she spoke, like she was going through this on her own. Like it was her problem to deal with. Like she was the only one who had lost something. She was in a really deep and dark place, and I had absolutely no idea how to pull her out of it. If anything, I’d only pushed her farther into it.

As much as I hated to admit it, maybe Alessandro was right. Maybe Ava needed to spend more time with her family. Her depression was something totally new to me, but they had dealt with it before. As much as I didn’t care for Bella lately, Ava needed her sisters right now.

I pushed our bedroom door open as quietly as I could, not wanting to wake her if she was asleep.

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