Page 50 of The Last Dance

12

Three Truths

Henry

I have no idea what I’m doing but my conversations with both Ben and Ambri the other day really made me face the truth that I’d been avoiding. Three truths actually. One being that it’s time for me to let Rory go. If I don’t, my life will never move forward the way I want it to.

Two is deciding what to do about Karmen. She was the perfect distraction when I needed one, but truth is, I’m no longer happy with her.

Last, but absolutely the most important, being how I actually feel about Ambri now. Am I in love with her like I was before I left?

‘Hey, babe.’ Karmen passes me on her way into the kitchen. I’ve been home for an hour and am sitting at the bar with my laptop scrolling through a site I just finished working on.

Today was her first photo shoot. She got a call from a local photographer last week after we got here, needing hair and make-up. Today was their appointment. She was more than giddy.

‘Today wassoamazing. I am so glad we moved here. It’s so much more laid-back than the busyness and rush rush of LA. It was like I was hanging out with friends today.’

‘That’s great. I knew you’d love it.’

‘It was a bridal shoot, so I got to play around with bridal hairstyles. She was so gorgeous, Henry.’ She’s running the tap, filling a glass. ‘It got me thinking… what it would be like ifwegot married.’

I close my laptop and watch her walk over to me from the sink. ‘What?’

‘You’ve never thought of it?’

I clear my throat. I wasn’t expecting this conversation today. In fact, I was shocked when she brought the marriage thing up with Ambri the other day. I didn’t realize it was a precursor to a conversation she wanted us to have.

‘It’s not that it never crossed my mind.’ It hasn’t. ‘I’ve never really wanted to get married. To anyone.Ever.I’m sure we’ve talked about this.’

She nods, an exaggerated frown on her face. ‘I know, but you can’t just say never. I mean, we’re perfect for each other. Marriage is the next step in our relationship.’

‘We’ve only been dating a year and wejustmoved in together a couple weeks ago. Why rush it?’

‘I don’t want to rush it, I want to know your feelings on it.’

Today I had other plans than dealing with this. I’ve finally come to the realization that Karmen is not the woman I want. I can’t quit thinking about telling Ambri that I’m not happy the other day. I’ve been telling myself I was happy for so long that I’m not sure I ever stepped back to see if I actually was. I’m not sure I’d have ever figured it out either, until I faced Ambri again.

I haven’t been honest with Karmen either. She’s only ever known the mask I’ve been wearing since I left Portland two years ago. She’s known the me I want her to know. That’s not fair to her.

When I met Karmen, I had just come from a therapy session. My previous therapist was always Ambri and with her hating me, I had no one. I probably never even would have ended up seeing a therapist had I not gone to the emergency room after I moved with thoughts that even I was afraid of. One of the things he wanted me to do almost a year into our sessions was to write down my feelings, take them to the ocean and throw them in. Like a release. That’s what I was really doing in San Diego that weekend I met Karmen. I didn’t have any friends down there. I was there to throw the letter I wrote into the ocean and let it all go. It didn’t work, but then again, I’m absolutely sure I half-assed it because I wasn’t ready to let things go. I felt like I deserved to be feeling what I was feeling after hurting Ambri the way I did. I ran into Karmen on the way back to my truck and she was the perfect distraction from what I should have been doing.

‘I don’t want to get married, Karmen. Not ever. I’m sorry if you were hoping for another answer.’

‘Why?’

‘I’ve never seen marriage as something I wanted to do.’ I open my laptop again, hoping to put the brakes on this conversation.

‘You were married before.’

I sigh, blowing a breath out before being able to look her in the face. ‘You’re right. I was married before. That was kind of a unique situation. When someone tells you that their dying wish is to get married, you don’t say no.’

‘What, so you didn’t even love her, you only married her as some kind of good deed?’

‘No.’ I raise my voice. ‘I loved Rory more than anything. I married herbecauseI loved her.’

‘You’re making no sense. You married her because you couldn’t say no or because you loved her?’

‘Both!’ I yell. ‘I married Rory because I loved her. But we had no future. Even acknowledging I’ve had that thought by saying it out loud hurts, Karmen. I wasn’t that guy to lead some girl on. I loved her and losing her absolutely wrecked me. But had she been well and asking to get married, I don’t know what my answer would have been. I wanted her to have anything she wanted in the end and if marrying her was one of those things, that’s what I was going to do. Her happiness was all that mattered at that point.’

---