Page 112 of He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

I hear Mercy’s voice as I stand at the end of the hallway on the sixth floor, staring out the window into the city. My breathing has finally slowed after what felt like imminent death for a few moments. A resident got into the elevator as I fled, so I slipped out and have been here ever since. It feels like forever, but it’s probably only been ten minutes of me staring out of this window and wondering how I get into these messes of relationships.

‘Thank god,’ she says, relief in her voice as she catches her breath while grabbing her chest as though she’s having a heart attack. ‘I’ve just run through five other floors searching for you, and you know how much I enjoy running for fun.Whatare you doing here?’

‘You were right about him.’

Here I thought he wanted me and only me, but he was talking to Celeste the whole time. Like I was his back-up plan. Sounds familiar.

‘I wasn’t right about anything,’ she says, stopping at my side. ‘You know as well as I do that’s hard for me to admit.’ She goes quiet for a while, still catching her breath.

‘He loves you,’ she says gently.

‘Not really.’ I sigh, blinking away tears. ‘We’ve been together, what, a week? And I catch him kissing someone else. That’s not a good sign. Maybe Tristan was right? I’m not enough for anyone.’

‘It’s not true, Hols. Daxdidn’tkiss Celeste.Shekissed him. He stopped it immediately; you just walked up at an unfortunate moment.’

‘And you believe that?’

She sighs heavily, nodding her head like the words she’s about to say pain her. ‘Yeah. I believe him. Over the last couple of years, I’ve spent practically every weekend with Dax, and I’ve never seen him like this. He’s devastated. The guy ran down seven flights of stairs looking for you.Seven, Hols.’ She lets out a chuckle.

‘I don’t know a single man who’d do that for me. Not even Edie if the building was on fire and he’s my only family.’ She points to the window. ‘Look!’ She turns me to the window with her hands on my shoulders, pointing at the block below us.

Dax and River are standing on the sidewalk a block up. Dax is pacing back and forth, his hands clasped on top of his head as River walks with him.

‘Does that look like a guy that just voluntarily kissed another woman cause he wanted to?’ She shakes her head. ‘No. It looks like a guy who’s afraid he’s just lost everything he ever wanted.’

I stare at River’s face because Dax has got his back to me. River rests a hand on Dax’s upper arm. I can tell their conversation isn’t lighthearted. The two converse until River opens the passenger side door and Dax gets in.

‘I don’t know,’ I cry, what’s left of my heart falling to pieces in a way it hasn’t before. ‘I don’t understand what happened?’

‘The only way to clear that up is to talk to him. Please, Hols. I know I’ve had many opinions about Dax, but I’ve most certainly given you the worst advice in the world. For that, I’m sorry. I’m way too cynical about love. We both know this. But in the last fifteen minutes, I just watched Dax’s entire world crash around him, and his emotions are real. Maybe I’ve yet to experience it personally, but I know love when I see it. He loves you. You have to believe me,’ she pleads. ‘You have to believehim.’

I glance over, wiping tears from my face. ‘I’ve spent nearly a decade dealing with this kind of thing. I don’t want to do it again, Merc. I’m tired of always being second. I deserve better.’

‘Daxisbetter. He’s not going to do you like Tristan did.’ She slips her hand into the crook of my arm, leading me towards the elevator.

‘If you hurt this much right now, imagine what he’s feeling. He did nothing wrong, and he’s terrified he’s just lost his opportunity with a woman he’s loved his entire life.’

‘Why am I so insecure?’

‘Because Professor Dickstain did some serious fucking damage. Dax knows that.’ She presses the elevator button on the wall. ‘Promise me something.’

The elevator doors open and Mercy presses the ground floor button as we walk in.

‘Promise me you won’t compare every move Dax makes to Tristan. The two aren’t even on the same planet for comparison. Tristan is gone. And sayo-fucking-nara if you ask me. You fell in love with someone else. That’s scary. Especially as quickly as it happened. But you know Dax, and you know he’s a good guy.’

My stomach turns as the elevator drops floors.

‘Remember when you thought dickweed was going to propose, and we talked about how you’d know if it was right?’

I nod, wishing I didn’t have to think about him for another second.

‘I said you’d feel it in your bones or some shit, and you pretty much guffawed at that.’ She laughs. ‘We both did.’ She fidgets with a ring on her middle finger as she speaks.

‘I feel this in my bonesforyou, Hols. Tell Dax how you feel. All of it. Insecurities, fears, hopes, dreams, everything. He’ll never use it against you like Tristan used to. You can trust him. Even with your heart.’

The elevator doors slide open, revealing River and Dax walking through the front doors. Dax looks awful, his head down as he walks by River’s side.

‘Dax,’ Mercy calls his name.

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