Page 33 of He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

‘Haveyouever been in love?’

‘Um…’ I swallow hard, rubbing my neck nervously. ‘Yeah,’ I finally say. ‘It’s painful.’

‘That’s what Mercy says, too.’

‘I guess she and I have that in common then.’

‘What happened?’

‘To what?’

‘The girl you loved. Where is she?’

‘She uh—’ I can’t answer this without telling her it’s her. Unless I make it vague. Maybe I’ll finally find the courage to tell her if she gets it. If she doesn’t, I probably never stood a chance.

‘I never told her. We were friends. There wasn’t a good time, and, in the end, I realized she didn’t feel the same way.’

She frowns, touching my forearm. ‘I’m sorry. She doesn’t know what she’s missed.’

I drop my head before glancing back at the sky; a few wispy clouds backlit by the moon move through the constellations. I’m not sure if her response makes it better or worse.

Change the topic, Dax. Move on before you say something stupid and make her uncomfortable. She’s never seen you as more than River’s best friend. Nothing’s changed.

‘What do you want to do, Hols? Now that you’re back.’

‘If you’re asking me what I want out of life…’ She glances out at the city around us with a sigh, pulling her knees to her chest. ‘I wish I knew. Now that I’m here, I realize everyone around me knows what they want, and I feel like I’m treading water in the middle of the ocean.’ She glances at me. ‘What about you? Do you know what you want?’

I nod. ‘Remember the floral competition I mentioned at the airport?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Winner gets fifty grand, and I’m hoping to buy my dad’s old shop, so I signed on the dotted line.’

She smiles sweetly. ‘You want to buy your dad’s old shop. That’s adorable, Dax. And you made the show! Congratulations. How exciting.’

‘Nerve-racking seems more fitting.’

‘You’re kind of proving my point,’ she says.

‘How’s that?’

‘River’s pouring himself into this documentary. Mercy’s a musical genius running her own business. Mom’s making a comeback. You fell in love with flowers and have this floral competition.’ She frowns but tries to smile through it. ‘I have nothing. My family hates me. I’m sleeping in my brother’s bed. I have no skills. Every relationship I thought I’d built in Seattle has vanished. I’ve done nothing but focus on myself for the last decade and ended up with zilch because of it.’

‘Your family doesn’thateyou, Hols.’

She shakes her head, pressing her chin into her knees. ‘I don’t even know who I am anymore.’

That’s heavy, but I’m sure if I was in her position, I might feel the same way.

‘Want to know what I see?’

‘Sure,’ she says, glancing at me curiously.

‘I see a woman who has every opportunity at her fingertips. You can do anything you want. Strained relationships can be repaired. If it’s any consolation, I don’t feel any differently about you than when we were teens. I’d bet money your parents feel the same way, and if they don’t, they will.’

She smiles sadly, touching my hand momentarily. ‘How’d you get so smart?’

‘It’s that damn growing up thing,’ I say. ‘Truthfully, I miss talking to you. River isn’t the same. You’re the only one I’ve ever let see this side me.’

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