Page 68 of He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Dax walks through the store, glancing back with a grin as I blast the music. This reminded me of my childhood when Mercy and I did it earlier. My house was known for loud music, famous musicians stopping by unannounced while they blew through Portland on tour, random dance parties, and laughter. Sure, the paparazzi were always trying to grab our photos when we walked to and from school or played in the front driveway, but looking back, it wasn’t that bad. I was absolutely loved.

‘Maybe your life’s calling is to be a DJ?’ Dax asks with a laugh.

‘No,’ I say, turning the volume down to a manageable level. ‘Mercy built this playlist. You’d be ashamed to know I’ve avoided getting too into music the last eight or so years.’

‘You?The daughter of a pop star has avoided music?’ He laughs like it’s unbelievable. ‘No wonder you’re such a terrible dancer.’

‘Hey,’ I protest.

He walks around the end of the counter, before hopping up onto it. ‘Can I ask you something serious?’

‘I’m sure we can make things more awkward if we really try.’

He shakes his head, laughing to himself. ‘Why did you leave and never look back? All your friends were left behind.’

I sit on the employee stool a few feet from him, my feet propped onto the counter next to him. I lift my shoulders.

‘I needed a new life? I dunno,’ I say. ‘Cause I’m an idiot?’

‘No. You’re not. Try again.’

‘Truthfully, I never felt like I could live up to my mom. Everything she did, she did better than me. She’s a bit of an attention whore if you’ve never noticed.’

‘Not sure how anybody could not notice that,’ he says, glancing at the life-size cardboard cutout of her that lives in the corner of the shop.

‘I always had this internal voice telling me I wasn’t good enough to be her daughter. I mean, come on, when she was sixteen, she was playing malls across the country. When she was eighteen, she was on her first international tour. When she was twenty-one, she won a freaking MTV music award that still graces her fireplace mantel.’

‘That’s a lot of pressure for a teen girl.’

‘Right?’ I feel genuinely heard for once. ‘When I was twenty-one, I dropped out of college and moved in with a guy I barely knew that was practically her age. She nearly had a nervous breakdown. And it almost killed my dad.’ I frown, now picking at my nail polish.

‘She made me feel like the best I’d ever be was disappointing to her, so I turned to what I thought was love and never looked back. It felt easier than watching her be frustrated with every decision I made.’

‘I’d have probably done the same if my mom was Penny.’

‘Your mom is amazing,’ I say. ‘I was always jealous of you.’

‘You were?’

‘She was normal, Dax. No one knew her, and no one expected you to be her. She was so proud of everything you did. She wasn’t drawing attention to herself when she went to your baseball games. No photographers followed her around; no one asked her for autographs and photos. You have no idea how badly I wanted normal.’

‘That’s why you froze on the plane yesterday when that woman asked who your mom was?’

I nod. ‘I haven’t had that happen in years. It brought back every feeling of self-loathing I’d ever had. Like that.’ I snap my fingers.

Dax frowns. ‘If I’d known, I’d have gone a little easier on the teenage torment.’

‘You couldn’t possibly have understood becauseIdidn’t understand.’

‘I’d have tried.’

He makes me feel like a better person than I am. ‘I know you would have,’ I say. ‘Can I askyousomething serious now?’ I have to know. ‘Were youdisappointed I left?’

For a moment, he struggles for words as he hops off the counter and wanders towards my mom’s office before turning back to me.

‘Yeah,’ he finally says, his face stone-cold sober. ‘I thought you’d come back for holidays and summers, but you just disappeared. I texted you a few times but never got a response. Then I heard River and Mercy mention they still talked to you. Honestly, that hurt. I thought we were closer than that.’

My heart slows. I hurt him. Damn it. And yet here he is, the one doing the most for me right now. Always with a smile on his face too, as if he enjoys my company or something.

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