Page 89 of He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

‘I wanted Maroon 5 or Jonas Brothers or Gwen Stefani. What thirteen-year-old kid back then didn’t? Obviously, she couldn’t get them. But she didn’t disappoint me.’

‘It’s burned into my brain,’ River says. ‘“Hollaback Girl” will never be the same.’

I laugh. No, it won’t. ‘Mom performed the hell out of it. I’d never been so cool in all my life. It may as well have been Gwen on the stage to my friends. She even dressed up like her.’

‘A memory I’d love to forget, considering I crushed hard on Gwen and not so much on Mom.’ River scrunches his face as if he’s disgusted just picturing it. ‘Do you remember anything about being on tour with her as a kid? I don’t.’

Mom toured for a long time, even throughout part of our childhood. While she was gone, Dad took care of us, and when he wasn’t around, her mom, my grandmother, moved in to pick up the slack. She lived in an apartment over our garage until the day she died.

River and I went on tour with Mom until I was old enough for kindergarten. Dad was putting himself through medical school at the time and came when he could; otherwise, we were taken care of by nannies and security guards.

‘I remember being on stage a couple of times. Mostly it’s the screaming I remember. When you’re three or four, that’s terrifying. Mom likes to tell the story about the times I met people like Madonna and Mariah Carey, but besides the photos to prove it, I don’t remember.’

As a tween, I wished I’d have remembered meeting them and would talk about it like I did, but nope, no memories of it.

‘One thing I do remember is my nanny, Justine. She wasn’t very old, probably just out of high school? She traveled around with us, and I spent most of my time with her and a security guy. I don’t remember his name, something with a P, maybe Paul? Phil? I don’t know, but he always drove, and he was huge. Like bigger than Dax. I remember him letting me ride on his shoulders a few times. Felt like I was on top of a mountain.’

I haven’t thought about any of this in so long. It’s weird to have people be a part of your life, then one day, they’re gone. Maybe that’s where I learned to run away from my problems. I thought that’s what you did when you were over something or when the world felt too big to handle. You disappeared. Created your own peaceful world. Only the world I created wasn’t peaceful. I realize now my own choices over the years mixed with my childhood insecurities traumatized me in ways I didn’t expect. Ways I’m struggling to get past.

‘There isn’t much I could say for sure happened when I was that young, just bits and pieces of a chaotic life in unfamiliar hotel rooms every night. I remember it was loud, like all the time, loud. Probably why I prefer quiet now.’

‘I never got a bodyguard,’ River says with a huff.

‘I keep telling you; you were never as important as me,’ I joke.

We do a few more questions about life as Penny Candy’s daughter, then he tosses out the one I was hoping he wouldn’t ask.

‘What was the worst thing about being Penny Candy’s daughter?’

I blow out a breath. ‘You sure you want to do this one? I might hurt her feelings.’

‘Wanna know my answer first?’

‘That might help.’

River sips his drink. ‘I always felt like I’d never be what they were, what theyare. I still feel that way. I mean, Mom was famous. And Dad is a fucking gynecologist. The jokes from my friends were endless. Instead of doctors and musicians, they got a guy struggling to break into the film industry and a self-absorbed you.’ He scrunches his face again, eyes on me as ifI’mthe real disappointment. I know he’s kidding, but I also know he’s right. ‘Sometimes, I think they’d rather have had Mercy and Dax as their kids. They expected too much from us, and we both disappointed them.’

‘I felt like she wanted me to become the next Penny Candy, and we’ve all heard me sing.’

‘Like swinging a bag of cats against a wall.’

‘Exactly,’ I say, feeling like River and I are genuinely bonding. ‘I’ve felt like a disappointment for a long time, Riv. Dad hasn’t talked to me in years. I mean, he’ll chit-chat here and there but notreallytalk. Until recently, Mom was the same. Our lives were so public. As a kid, especially a teen, that was humiliating.’ I sigh, lifting my shoulders. ‘Did you know my first kiss was reported in a celebrity magazine? Penny Candy’s daughter all grown up.’ I groan. ‘I was fourteen. Hardly grown up at all. Mom got mad at me for that. Like I should have known better and not the adult photographer taking the photo and sending it into the world.’

The article wouldn’t have been so bad if my classmates hadn’t found it. Imagine kissing a boy for the first time on your porch as he dropped you off from your first actual date and having a photo of it printed for the entire world to witness. That boy never called me again and I can’t blame him.

‘Do you really think I’m self-absorbed?’

‘Yes,’ River says, not hesitating at all. ‘But so am I.’

I guess that’s something.

‘I was a little worried what this whole Tristan thing would do to you. Seems like you’re doing alright?’

‘I think so? Dax is helping. He keeps me laughing. I hardly even think about Tristan anymore.’

‘Then keep doing what you’re doing. I have a feeling the money thing will work out.’ He stands up from his chair, downing the rest of his drink. ‘We’re good here. If I need something else, I know where to find you.’

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