Page 84 of Deliverance

Until I saw you in her embrace; do you know how deep it cuts, when you rub it in my face?

Do you know how you steal my breath from just a single look?

Of course, you don’t. You’ll never realize what you took.

You stole my heart that day; you ran so fast and far I didn’t get a say.

The pain is blinding, my chest aching.

I’m left yearning, sobbing, wanting.

I set my pen down, reading over my words once more. A little cheesy and probably a little too rhymey, sure, but it’s cathartic enough to do its job. For a moment, the heaviness inside me ebbs and I can breathe. It’s a feeling only a pen and paper can free me from.

More often than not, I’ve been writing to Maggie. It’s not always about her. Sometimes, I’m talking to her, confessing everything, screaming every nasty, vile detail of my life, because I know deep down, she’s the only one who could see all my ugly and care for me all the same. I fucked it all to hell, though. Everything. With her, with Asher. I fucked it all up, and now I’m standing here, alone, cold, and with absolutely no hope in sight. Picking up the letter, I blow out a heavy breath before feeding it through my paper shredder. Of course, I don’t ever give her these letters, it’s just for me. For me to be able to say anything and everything, completely unfiltered with no ramifications.

Glancing at my phone, I realize I need to get down to the dining hall if I want something to eat before class. Grabbing my things, I head out my door as my mind goes to the last letter I’ve ever let anyone read. The one I slipped under her door that night. The one that I bared my soul in.

I think what kills me the most is that I don’t know if she ever even read it. She was so mad…she could have torn it up, burned it or simply not cared enough to peel back that seal. I don’t know why I kissed the envelope, leaving behind a red lip mark. It wasn’t like she wanted a reminder of my lips, of my kiss, of what she caught my lips doing. She wanted nothing from me, yet I wanted to give it to her, one last time before I knew what I had to do. Who I had to become when we returned to the university for school. None of it matters, though. I fucked everything up out of fear, out of desperation, and now…

Shaking away the thoughts of what’s to come, I control the only thing I can. I raise my head high and walk through the school like I own it. Even if I hadn’t fallen so far down the totem pole of popularity, going after the so-called ‘queen’ has its consequences. Since the fork incident, no one will even look my way. Angela and Mercy made it perfectly clear they couldn’t afford to associate with me. I’m officially a pariah, and you know what? It’s kind of refreshing. I no longer spend hours getting ready, just in the hopes that Asher will notice me. I’m not counting every single calorie that comes within a five mile radius of me.

I also have never felt so close to death while being alive.

When I step into the dining hall, I grab a bowl of soup, salad, and two breadsticks. Hey, it’s two more than I would have had before. I make my way through the dining hall, my eyes scanning the room for a table when I falter. Maggie is sitting at her usual table with Liam and Skyla but there is someone new sitting beside her. Maryia fucking Sewall. What? One make out on Christmas Eve and they are having lunch together?

My eyes move down to see Maggie place her hand on Maryia’s thigh. She tenses for a moment as her head looks around like she’s nervous before she relaxes, sinking into Maggie’s touch. I wait for anger to stab through me, but what do I really have to be angry for? I’m not angry. I’m not even jealous. I’m just…sad.

Forcing myself to do what I set my mind to this morning, I move forward regardless, keeping my eyes on Skyla as I do. Liam is the first to notice me. His carefree smile aimed at Skyla drops in a flash as he jumps to his feet, standing in between us.

“What do you want, Brenton?”

I stop short, my body filled with unease as they move from Skyla to Maryia, Maggie, and back to Liam.

“I-I just wanted to talk to Skyla.”

“Yeah, well, she doesn’t want to talk to you. Do us all a favor and fuck the hell off,” Liam practically snarls.

I wince, but I’m ready to walk away when Skyla stands, stepping past Liam.

“What do you want?” she asks with an icy tone.

I try to speak, but my words dry up on my tongue. Swallowing roughly, I twist my fingers together as I speak.

“I just wanted to…apologize. I’ve been…well, the worst to you, and you didn’t deserve it. I don’t have any excuses. Chalk it up to petty, mean girl bullshit. I thought you were taking something that belonged to me. I thought…” I trail off, the scratchy tightness of my throat taking control as I close my eyes and compose myself.

“I thought I knew what I wanted, but clearly, I didn’t have a clue,” I say, my eyes moving to Maggie before I return my gaze to Skyla.

“Regardless, I was terrible, and I don’t expect you to forgive me, but if there is anything my family or I can ever do for you…name it, and it’s yours.”

Skyla watches me with a hesitant look. I don’t blame her. She’d be dumb if she just openly forgave me. She doesn’t know that I’m too tired to keep this up. That I have no fight left in me, that I no longer have anything to fight for.

“You’re serious?” she asks dubiously.

“Yes,” I nod.

“Well, thanks…I guess.”

I can see the hesitance on her face. She doesn’t believe me. Why should she? I haven’t exactly given myself a reputation for being genuine and remorseful. No, I’m a fucking bitch, and everyone knows it. Still, I need to try, for my own conscience, if anything.

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