Page 168 of As the Rain Falls

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Angelina’s gaze darkens, and immediately I know I’ve fucked up.

“Okay, first of all, no need to point that out to me,” she spats, half-offended. “I was there, Beckett. I know what happened way better than you do.”

“Alright, I’m sorry. That was a stupid thing for me to say.” I wince while lifting both hands in surrender, letting go of the wheel for a second before gripping it again. “Maybe you could… I don’t know. Talk to her about it.”

“And be called a freak again? Right.” She rolls her eyes at me. “You know what, Beckett? Just let it go, okay? You are not a girl. You won’t understand it.”

The silence stretches out between us, making me uncomfortable. I don’t bother pointing out that, even if I don’tget how it feels, Cassandra might. Angelina just needs to give her a second chance.

I get it, though. I don’t think it’s an easy time for a girl like her, who mostly used to surround herself with other girls. Besides Antony and me, I don’t think Angie got along with many boys her age. She couldn’t stand to be around them, their mentality, or how they talked.

“It’s just so fucking annoying, you know?” she adds after some time. “I mean, I know I don’t always sound the nicest, but still.”

“You sound just fine, Angelina.”

People like to put others in boxes. Like, if you do something a certain way, then you’re like this or like that. Good. Bad. When really, in reality, everybody is made up of a little bit of both. Especially someone like Angelina.

“The one time I’m actually being a good fucking person, nobody believes me.”

“I believe you,” I remind her.

“But I wantedherto believe in me,” Angelina’s voice breaks as she keeps on sobbing heartbrokenly, making those terrible sounds, and…

God, I can’t take it.

I really can’t.

It fuckingpains me.

“Cassandra is so fucking stupid.” She shakes her head. “And I’m done this time. I’msodone.”

“What did he do to you?” I ask, trying to get a full picture. “Did he try to, uh, did he try to pressure you or something?”

Angelina starts sniffing, making choking noises that make me want to kill Caleb Monteiro. It’s like she can’t even breathe, not while she’s thinking about him. Another reason to hate him, like there weren’t so many already.

“No, I was just stupid back then. I don’t want to talk about it now,” she evades the question, digging through her purse for a tissue. “I’m so tired of everything.”

“Don’t say that because it sounds a lot like things are getting bad again.”

“Well, it’s how I feel!” Angelina snaps. “I’m not going to try to kill myself again, Beckett. I’m medicated, okay? I’m not going back to that hospital! I’m not!”

“Okay,” I say softly, knowing I’ve overstepped again. “M’sorry.”

There’s really not much else I can do but wait for her to calm down again, and it’s frustrating. If Angelina doesn’t want to open up to me, I can’t help her. Of course, it hurts my feelings a little. But maybe this isn’t about me or how close we are. I’m clearly not the friend she needs right now.

By the time we reach her neighborhood, she’s fallen asleep, too exhausted to keep conversation going.I hesitate before waking her, but Angelina isn’t a light sleeper. It takes me poking at her twice for her bleary brown eyes to flutter open.

“We’re home?”

I inhale sharply and nod. “Do you need me to carry you inside?”

She wipes her face with the back of her hand one last time, but the tears are already dried. “I think I can walk.”

Angelina pushes the door open and steps out of the car, her hands still shaking. I watch as she makes her way inside the house alone, knowing damn well that a couple of months ago Lucia would’ve been by her side. From the moment they met each other in kindergarten, I knew they’d be good friends. Angelina was chubby and cute, and my sister immediately took a liking to her. Even as small children, they were inseparable.

Sometimes, if I squeeze my eyes hard enough, I can almost see her standing right here. It’s all just an illusion, of course. When I blink again, I see nothing but an empty space.

Lucia is never here.