Page 223 of As the Rain Falls
I really hate you right now
You really just ditched us???
I swear to god Cassandra I’m about to have a panic attack
Pls pick up the phone
Answer me???? I’m getting really nervous Cassie :(
I’m not mad anymore pls just text me
I’m sorry for what I said before and I hope you’re okay
NEW YEAR, OLD PROBLEMS
Cassandra
JANUARY, 2017
The new year startswith Zach’s cousin pinning me against the wall. I focus on that precisely, and not on how our lips feel wrong smacking against each other. The best way to get over a boy? Get under another.
A moment later, he breaks the kiss and asks me if I want to go upstairs. I ask him if the apartment is his, and he tells me that he shares it with a roommate.
I think about it for a second, the alcohol making my brain fuzzy. It’s not like I’m counting or anything, but he’s about to become the second boy I sleep with. Third, actually.
His bedsheets smell like cheap lavender soap, the kind that sells out fast at the grocery store. I pretend to be paying attention to him, moaning at the right time, asking him to keep going, but my mind stays distant. All along, I stare at the ceiling above us, wondering why the fuck it doesn’t feel like it should.
It doesn’t hurt; there’s hardly any pain.
Nothing.
Having sex feels likenothing.
After a blink, the moment ends.
Beckett’s voice echoes in my head, saying my name like it’s worth something. If I were brave enough, I’d be in his arms right now. I’d tell him the whole truth, and because he’s so understanding, he’d love me in spite of it all. I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself, but I can’t stop now that I’ve started.
“You’ve done this before, right?” he asks, walking around the room.
I pull the covers over my shoulders, hiding my nakedness underneath. Lying on my side, I tuck my hands underneath my head. I feel so small.
“Yeah.”
“I thought so.”
He doesn’t say much else, but I swear I hear him muttera loudthank godas he disappears towards the bathroom.
My phone buzzes on the floor.I know it’s Nathaniel, or maybe Kayla again, but I don’t want to answer. So, I don’t text back. I don’t even read it.
Sleep evades me sometime after midnight, all the noise coming from outside keeping me from resting. My eyes are stinging with unshed tears. Zach’s cousin stirs behind me but doesn’t wake up.
I swallow hard, hating how silent the room feels, and slip out of bed, putting myself back together as best as I can.
The bathroom light blurs my vision as I slip the pill into my mouth. We used a condom, but I don’t want to be the girl who ends up pregnant at seventeen. I can hear Mom’s voice in my head. She tells me to just take the pill, but the taste of it settles like ash as it goes down, exactly like I remember it from that night.
Lifting my gaze to the mirror, I meet my own reflection. Green, desolate eyes are staring back at me. I blink fast, but a few stubborn tears still fall.
A hiccup escapes past my throat.
