Page 299 of As the Rain Falls
It softens a bit, and we kiss again, slower this time, a quick peck first, then another. But before I know it, I’m getting in my head again.
Beckett might like me and even feel attracted to me, but he’s not taking me seriously. Not really. I know he’s not, and anyway, why would he?
I’m rocking my hips against his now.I don’t understand what’s wrong with me, or why I can’t fucking stop. My eyes are stinging with unshed tears; the constant rejection coming from him keeps killing me slowly when he just won’t pull my clothes off and fuck me.
Beckett drops his hands to my hips, holding me still.
“Cassandra, I asked you to stop.”
His voice is loud and strong.
Imposing, even.
“And every time you start getting overwhelmed like you are right now, I’m going to stop you,” he emphasizes. “Whether you like it or not.”
“Okay.” I let my gaze drop, noticing for the first time how Beckett is watching me, seeing through me, noticing the things I can’t. I feel like I’m being scolded, but I don’t know what I did wrong. “Okay. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”
“Cassandra, where’s your head at?” he asks.
And suddenly, as terrible as it sounds, I can see myself through his eyes too. How my heart is beating too fast, how my breathing sounds like a struggle. How I’m wet and needy, but it all feels wrong.
My mind twirls, spiraling endlessly.
When did that fucking happen?
We were just eating our snacks a few minutes ago.
I breathe deeply, knowing heisright to put a stop to this, and I am wrong for trying to force his hand.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I start to panic, pulling away from him. “I just… God, did I just force myself on you?”
“Hey, no.” He shakes his head, speaking more softly now. “Baby, no.”
“You told me to stop, and I didn’t.” I blink harshly, reality sinking in. “I didn’t stop.”
“Cassandra, no.” His face falls, but he still keeps me close, urging me to calm down. “You’re just confused, okay?”
“I’m not. Baby, I… I’m so sorry.”
He sighs. “Listen to me, it’s okay.”
But it’s not.
It’sreallynot okay.
I can’t keep doing this.
“Cass, do you remember that night you showed up at my door? You were clearly going through something, and I don’t want you to pretend it never happened because I can’t.”
“I didn’t do it on purpose, Beckett,” I whine, my chest aching. “I don’t want to hurt you. You’re the last person I want to hurt.”
Everything in me just feels so ashamed, especially because I’ve been there too. I asked Nathaniel to stop so many times, and now I’m behaving just like him. I’m turning into him. I’m doing everything wrong.
“I know that,” he promises. “Let’s talk about it.”
“Let’s not. I don’t want to.” I shake my head frantically.
