Page 69 of Sunday

“She reached out to me after all these years because she missed me. She wanted to resume our friendship and let me know that she’d forgiven me. That’s all I wanted all those years, was her forgiveness, and I’d finally found it. But the downfall of that was that I had never told you about all those things I’d done, and I was terrified of you or anyone else finding out about it. So, while I wanted to be in her life again, I was torn about telling the truth. I tried to keep y’all separate, and I’m sorry for that, CJ. Baby, I know that I was dead wrong. She was coming to town because of a fundraiser she’s involved in for people with MS.”

The tears fell again, and I covered my face with my hands. His large arms wrapped around me, and he kissed the top of my head.

“You held all this in and carried it with you all this time. The only thing you had to do was talk to me. If you’d come to me, I would have understood. Baby, I’m your rock, your protector, and the foundation that you need to stand on. If you ain’t got me, then who you got? The way you went about it was sure to tear this relationship up.”

“I know, and I swear that was never my intention. I just didn’t know what to do. I don’t deserve this beautiful life that I have. A good person was hurt because of me.”

“You were teenagers. You weren’t any wilder than most of them out there. You just had different results is all.”

“I’m learning to forgive myself.”

“Is that why you don’t drink or smoke?”

“Yes.”

“All this time. We’re always around here smoking and drinking. You should’ve said something, Sunny. You’re risking your damn sobriety trying to hide a secret.”

“I know, but honestly, I’m not even tempted anymore. That year was the only time I was ever drinking, smoking, or doing any recreational drugs. The only reason I started drinking was to impress Derek. The pills and the weed, . . . well, that was a forced move.”

“Whatcha mean?”

“Derek was all about pleasing me and making me his priority until eight months into the relationship. That’s when I began to see the real Derek. He was physically and mentally abusive to me. He’d beat my ass whenever I didn’t do what he wanted, and he embarrassed me in front of other people. My parents’ decision and stance on me going into rehab that summer was my only hope of escaping that toxic relationship. I was drowning init, and I couldn’t find my way out. I have so many regrets, CJ. I wish that I could turn back the hands of time, but I know that I can never give Layla everything that I stole from her.”

“The only thing you can do is love her, be there for her, and support her now.”

“I’m trying. When I went home, I did get a chance to meet her husband and her new baby.”

“I thought you said she couldn’t have kids.”

“They adopted a baby. Her name’s Amara. She’s so chubby and beautiful, CJ. She’s a happy baby, and Layla’s husband, Bryan, adores Layla. She’s genuinely happy and holds no animosity toward me. We almost fell back in sync as if we hadn’t missed a beat. The only problem was that I didn’t think I could introduce the two of you. You are my life now, and she was a major part of my past. We’d been best friends since we were eleven years old.”

“Baby, what have I ever done to make you think you couldn’t tell me anything?” he asked, cupping my chin and tilting my head back so that I could look into his eyes.

“It wasn’t that you’d done anything. It was my guilt, CJ. I worried about what you would think about me, what our friends would think of me, and if you would question whether I was a fit parent or not. Then there was Layla. I felt, after all I’d done, that I didn’t deserve to be happy. I had robbed her of her ability to have any biological children and years of her life that she spent in depression.”

“And yet, her heart was large enough to forgive you for what you’d done. Life is full of things that happen beyond our control. Things that we later feel we could have controlled. The important part about moving forward is forgiving and being forgiven. You never forgave yourself, so you hold yourself back. You can’t go back and fix the mistake. Take today to build yourself for a better tomorrow. That’s giving yourself achance. Forgive yourself and forgive her for the time she took to get herself together. You both needed time apart to get your heads together for the journey ahead. Life doesn’t come without challenges, and it’s the challenges that make us better.”

“I know, baby. Sometimes, it’s a bitter pill to swallow, though.”

“Hey, I’ve got something that might make it better.”

“What’s that?”

“Come on.”

I climbed off his lap, and he led me upstairs. He stopped outside of the door of my former bedroom.

“First, let me tell you that I haven’t been able to sleep in our room since you left. It didn’t feel the same, not being able to smell your scent on our pillowcases, on our sheets, and in our bedroom. So, I’ve been sleeping downstairs.”

“And drinking beers to get to sleep at night.”

He shrugged. “Mostly. But I’m cutting that shit out.”

I turned and faced him with my hands on his chest. “I don’t want you to change because of me.”

“I’m changing because that shit wasn’t who I was. I was miserable without you, baby.”

“Aww, I was too. Nils was ready to kick me out after the first day. He told me I needed to go home and make things right with you.”

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