Page 45 of Jasper

“And how is that your fault, Jasper? You can’t have foreseen something like that.”

“It was my job…”

“And you were doing your job.”

“Exactly. I wasn’t prepared, and she was taken and terrorized. She forgave me, though.”

“And the second time?”

“Kade and Angel had just found out their son was alive and being held by a Mexican cartel. I was assigned as her bodyguard when Kade found out the cartel was actively searching for him. I was standing guard outside her door when the girl from the front desk came up. I never even questioned her motives when she came rolling a cart full of food. It wasn’t until she had the gun jammed into my back that I understood what was going on.”

“That’s…”

“That was fucking stupid on my part, but once she was behind me, there wasn’t a lot of choice. The damn thing had a silencer on it. I knocked, and then she pushed us both into Angel’s room when the door opened. She shot me in a place she knew would incapacitate me, and it did. I managed to slip Angel a small gun, so at least she wasn’t defenseless.”

“So, you might not have realized the initial threat, but you still made sure she had something to protect herself with.”

“That’s not the point…”

“Of course it is, Jasper. You didn’t abandon her. You made sure she had something to survive. And you were shot. You could have died.”

“I almost did. Viktor told me I’d been lying there for over an hour bleeding out when they found me. It was touch and go for a while.”

“I think nearly losing your life is payment enough for your guilt.”

“But…”

She pulled one of her hands free of his and placed a finger on his lips. “No buts. I know you’re going to have to work through this on your own, but admitting what’s wrong is the first step to healing. You’re going to eventually realize you did your best to protect this woman, and what happened wasn’t your fault. You did everything you could. I believe that. In your head, you’re convinced you let these things happen because of your resentment, but you didn’t. The more you think about it, the more you’ll understand that.”

He sighed. He wasn’t so sure about that.

“Are you very mad at me?” She looked up at him from beneath her lashes, and he let out another sigh. He doubted there was a man alive who could stay mad at her. She really was too much of a sweetheart, even when she was being a stubborn ass.

“No, Sloane, I’m not mad. Just…”

“All mixed up and not sure how to feel?”

“That about sums it up.”

“That’s how I felt when I finally admitted what I’d been hiding from. My therapist assured me it was normal and it would pass.”

“Was she right?”

“It took me a while to come to terms with what my head said was right and what my heart said was true.”

“What do you mean?” Her father killed himself because of survivor’s guilt. Why did she sound like she blamed herself?

“I was ten when my dad died. I knew he wasn’t happy. When he came home, it felt like he withdrew from everything, including me. Even our flights in his plane felt like a forced chore for him. I was convinced I had something to do with his mood because he wasn’t the same Daddy who left to go overseas. My therapist helped me work it out years later, but I lived with that guilt over half my life. Even knowing what survivor’s guilt was, that ten-year-old little girl couldn’t get past her feelings of abandonment. It felt like he didn’t want his family, didn’t want me. That’s part of why Brad got his claws in so deep. He saw that weakness, that need to be wanted, and slipped right past my defenses. Even at his worst, I felt like he wanted me, even if it was just someone to beat down emotionally. It’s crazy, but it is what it is.”

“I’m sorry he did that to you.”

“I’m better now, and I hope you’ll move past things you couldn’t control any more than my dad could or I could.”

“I can’t say thank you right now, Sloane, because these memories are painful, and I didn’t want to talk about them.”

“But?” she prompted when he fell silent.

“But I heard you, and I’ll consider it.”

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