Page 68 of Jasper

Jasper snarled, his body vibrating with anger. “I didn’t go off the fucking deep end. I was hanging on and fighting my way back to shore.”

Kade’s black eyes were assessing. “You should have talked this shit out with me.”

“I talked to Viktor about it.”

“That’s why he gave you so much time off without questions. He never said anything to me.”

“He wouldn’t. You weren’t part of our team in the Corps. It’s a bond you can’t understand unless you were there unless you served.”

“I grew up in a military family, Jasper. I do understand.”

“No offense, Kade, but that’s not true. You might think you do, but until you’re lying in the dirt with your friends blown to bits all around you as bombs go off, you can’t understand the strength of that bond. It was forged in fire and blood.”

Kade looked like he wanted to argue, but Jasper had had enough. The look he gave Kade was one he’d given men under his command in the military, the one that said, “Shut the fuck up and keep moving.”

“Fine, we’ll agree to disagree,” Kade conceded. “But I want to make one thing perfectly clear. I don’t blame you for anything. Not a single, solitary thing. You did nothing wrong when it came to Angel’s protection.”

“I did. Men under my command failed her, which meansIfailed her, and then I was the one who let them get the jump on me in Florida. It’s my fault she was taken and terrorized. How can you not blame me when all I see is enough blame to bury me?”

Jasper’s shoulders slumped with that tirade. He hadn’t meant to say it, but now that he had, he realized he was afraid to face Kade, afraid to see the censure in his eyes. He’d been afraid to talk about this with him.

“You and I were both standing in that restaurant talking when she was taken. If we go with your logic, then I was just as responsible for her kidnapping as you were. She was my fucking wife, and she got snatched out from undermynose, not once, but twice. In Miami, you were shot, Jasper, yet you still looked out for her. She told me about you making sure she had that gun. She doesn’t blame you. You’re her favorite person besides my fucking brother. Nik can do no wrong in her eyes.”

Surly.

“My point is you almost died trying to protect her.”

“I didn’t jump out in front of a bullet for her, Kade. I was the reason the bitch got in the room in the first place and shot me.”

“Angel sees things differently, and so do I. I was grateful you were there, grateful she had someone to help her. You slipped her a weapon. She wasn’t defenseless, and that is what’s important. You did everything in your limited power to help her. You have my eternal gratitude for that.”

Jasper shook his head, preparing to argue, but Kade cut him off.

“We were all in the next room having a meeting. I left her alone. Me. I left her in that room by herself. You were posted outside. At my orders. Do you think I don’t blame myself for the decisions I made? If I’d just woken her up and taken her with me. If I’d stayed there with her. If I’d put you in the room instead of out in the hall. The what-ifs will drive you up a wall, Watkins. It’s not good for you. You can’t function living in the what-ifs.”

“You blame yourself?”

“Every fucking day. She had to go through that shit because of me. Because of the choices I made. None of this is your fault, Watkins. You need to stop blaming yourself for it.”

“That’s what Sloane says.”

“You talked to her about it?”

“She thought I was a serial killer when I met her.”

“What?”

“Long story, but we got to talking, and I told her why I was in North Dakota.”

“You were in fucking North Dakota?” Kade burst out, shocked. “We were searching in the northeast.”

“I figured that’s where you’d start if you really wanted to find me. I needed time away to get my head on straight, to figure out where I failed and why so I could look all of you in the eye and tell you I was ready.”

“And there is the heart of the argument.”

Jasper frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I knew something was bothering you. I knew you weren’t one hundred percent after you finished your physical therapy. You’d been shot, lost so much blood we thought you were going to die. It was severe trauma, and I thought you might have a case of PTSD. Coupled with your military background, I was afraid you might have always had PTSD, and this last shooting made it worse. I was worried for you, Watkins, not about you protecting our clients. Yes, I benched you, but not because of the business or because I blamed you for shit that wasn’t your fault, but because I was worried about you. I was getting ready to talk to Viktor about getting you some help right before you asked for time away. The only reason I grouched about the time off is that I was afraid you’d go somewhere alone and all that trauma would cause you to do something stupid while we weren’t there to protect you.”

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