Page 5 of North Is the Night
I shake my head. All my life, I’ve tried to see that future for myself. It’s what my mother wanted for me... before she died bringing my little sister into this world. It’s what my grandmother wants for me. Now, it’s what Aina wants for us both.
But what do I want? What do I see when I close my eyes and dream of my happiest self?
I take a deep breath, gazing out across Lake Päijänne, my home for the last fourteen years. The days are getting shorter, the nights colder. I can taste autumn in the air, that crisp smell of drying leaves. The lake is changing too. In summer, she’s as bright as the blue of a jaybird’s wing. In autumn, the lake darkens as the fish sink to her depths. She grows quiet and secretive as she waits for spring.
Watching the boats bob, the truth unravels itself inside me like a spool of golden thread. I want to live the life I already have. I want long summer days running through the forest, hunting deer and snaring rabbits. I want quiet winter nights in Aina’s hayloft, cracking walnuts and laughing until we fall asleep. I want to swim naked in the lake, my hair loose and tangled around my arms. I want us to stay just like this, happy and free forever.
“Siiri?” Aina’s hand brushes my arm. “Are you well?”
Sucking in a sharp breath, I turn to face her. Bracing myself with both hands on her shoulders, I search her face. Her lips part in silent question, her brows lowered with worry.
“Aina, I want you to be happy,” I say at last, giving her shoulders a squeeze. “That’s what I want. Tell me what will make you happy, and I’ll get it for you. If you want to marry Joki, the fish-faced farm boy, I will be the first to light a candle in the great oak tree.”
She rolls her eyes with a soft smile.
“If you want to leave our village and go on that adventure in search of a new love, I will leave with you—”
She leans away. “Siiri—”
“Iwill,” I say in earnest. Taking her salty hands in mine, I hold them fast. “Aina, you are my oldest and dearest friend. I don’t care about finding myself a good man and settling down. I am perfectly content being my own good man. What I cannot bear is the thought of losing you or making you unhappy. So please, just tell me what you want, and I’ll get it for you.”
She blinks, eyes brimming with tears as she searches my face. I fear what she might see in me. She’s always seen too much—the parts I hide, the parts I pretend not to have. My weaknesses, my fears. She knows me better than any person living or dead.
Slowly, she sighs, shaking her head. “I guess... I wish there was just some way you really could be happy for me if I pick a life you wouldn’t pick for yourself.”
I drop her hands. “What do you mean?”
“I mean... ” She groans. “Gods, you know, I wish I knew whether there was evenoneperson out there who you thought was good enough for me. I could never marry without your blessing, Siiri, so I need to know. Is there no man living you could bear to see me wed?”
I consider for a moment, heart in my throat. Does she want me to say Joki? The poor man is duller than lichen on rocks. My brothers are both clever enough, I guess, but they’re all wrong for her. They’re both too independent. Aina needs someone who really sees her, someone who listens, someone whoneedsher.
She watches me, waiting, still searching my face. I can’t sit here and have her looking at me with such hope in her eyes. Taking a deep breath, I hold her gaze. “You want a name? Fine. Let it be Nyyrikki.”
She blinks. After a moment, she laughs. It bubbles out of her like foam off a stream. Before long, she’s gripping her sides with salty fingers. I join her, and we both laugh, tears filling our eyes.
“Nyyrikki?” she says on a tight breath. “God of the hunt and prince of the forest? That’s where I must set my standard of matrimony?”
“You said any man living. And you’d never be hungry,” I add with a shrug. “There would always be game for your table. And he’s supposed to be of famed beauty, with a head of flowing hair... and he lives in a forest palace with gates of wrought gold. You could do worse, Aina.”
She laughs. “Well, next time I stumble across his palace in the woods, I’ll just give those golden gates a knock, shall I?”
“We’ll both knock,” I tease, catching her gaze again. Aina has the most beautiful eyes, bright like new blades of spring grass. She has freckles too, though not so many as me. Hers are soft and small, scattered over her pointed nose. Wisps of her nut-brown hair frame her face, tugged loose by this wind. I want to tuck the strands behind her ear. I want to touch her face. I want to brush my fingertips over the freckles on her nose.
“What is it?”
Looking at her now, I can see the truth so clearly: I don’t want things to change between us. And marriagewillchange her. It always does. It’s the way of things. Once children come, they will be her world, and I’ll lose her. I’ll lose everything. Call me selfish, but I’m not ready. Not yet. I want just one more summer of being the first in her affections.
I curl my salted fingers until the tips of my nails bite into the meat of my palms.
“Siiri?”
“It’s nothing,” I mutter, turning away.
She drops her hand from my thigh, reaching for another fish. “And... who shall we find for you, then?” She keeps her tone light, trying to move us past my awkwardness. “I don’t believe Nyyrikki has a brother... ”
“I don’t need to marry.”
“Ilmarinen could spin gold for you,” she offers.
