Page 44 of Beyond Hate

Broken.

I really was broken, and I was tired of trying to deny it. The men in the building, the people he’d killed, the way I’d let him hold me—the way I craved his touch even though I knew what kind of monster he was…

It was too much.

“London…” He sounded… almost hesitant. All the bravado and charm, all his confidence, was narrowing down to a point of pain that reflected somewhere in the back of his gaze. If he was telling the truth—and fuck, I really did believe he was telling the truth—I had to understand.

“I don’t know Nikki, Otto. I don’t know who you were with him. I don’t know who I was when Iwashim. The only thing I know is us.”

Chapter 16

Otto

TheonlythingIknow is us.

The words echoed in my head like some fucked-up record on repeat, and I was seeing double. I was seeing Nikki standing in the room every time I was tortured, not taking his eyes off me. Not opening his mouth, not saying a damn word.

And I was seeing London, his lashes wet with tears, his lips swollen… his eyes holding all the weight and depth of emotions I was pretty sure he was still trying to deny even when he sought me out.

They weren’t the sameperson. Fuck… I couldn’t keep pretending they were the same person. I’d known it when I crawled into bed with him at the facility—I’d known it when I’d saved him. I’d known it when I’d killed the man who touched him, and when I watched him fall apart on his knees for me.

I’d known it all along. Bringing those vials had been some last-ditch attempt at convincing myself otherwise, but the truth was standing in front of me.

Didn’t he at least deserve to know why I was still punishing him?

“In another life, I loved you.” I said it softly, carefully, and I noticed he kept perfect pace with me while we walked. “Your mom took me off the street when I was a kid, because she wanted me to be a killer. That’s what we all were, killers and criminals. But…” I flicked my eyes to him. He was watching me with drawn brows. “If you’d believe it, I didn’t have the stomach for it back then. I was just small, scrappy. I was good at getting into places if I wanted. And you…” I looked him over with a soft, humorless laugh. “You were big. And you were everything I wasn’t… You could kill without batting an eye. It didn’t bother you.”

London opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, then quickly snapped it shut. Maybe he realized trying to deny it would make me stop talking. After a beat, when I stared at him expectantly, he spoke.

“Did I look the same?”

“Same eyes.” Our fingers untangled, and I brushed the dark roots he’d tried to hide behind bleached blond. “Same hair. You were taller, though. Taller than me. And… you were everything.” This was the part I didn’t want to say. The part I didn’t give a shit to remember, because I remembered it every night when I slept. “You protected me when we were small, and when we were older, you let me love you. And I thought you loved me. When I realized I couldn’t do it anymore, that I couldn’t keep killing… you told me where to run.” My jaw clenched, and I turned my gaze forward—I couldn’t look at him for the rest of this. I wasn’t even sure why I was telling him now, except for that soft, pained expression.

Those words.

The only thing I know is us.

Fuck.

“Otto?”

“You found me exactly where you told me to go and you held me. You told me you loved me… and your mom found me thenext day. She kept me alive for over a year, torturing me. Trying to teach me a lesson. You never said a word. You never stopped her. I begged you to kill me, and you didn’t. But… your eyes were the last thing I saw before she put a bullet in my brain.”

Beside me, London was silent. So silent I wondered for a second if he’d left when I looked away. When his small hand drifted forward and he slid his fingers into mine again, my body shuddered. His eyes were full of tears when I turned my head to look at him.

“I’m sorry, Otto. It all still sounds so impossible, but… I can’t convince myself that you’re making it up anymore. God, I think some part of me believed you all along, because why else would everything be so shit if I hadn’t been a bad person in a past life…” He laughed, the sound wet and sad. “Maybe this is really happening, and I deserve all of it… but…” His lips were trembling when he spoke. “I’m not the same person. I’m nothim. I won’t hurt you.” He squeezed my fingers and stepped closer, raising his free hand that trembled, hesitating for just a second before placing it on my chest. Over my heart. “I’m notNikki.”

I’m not Nikki.I’d avoided telling him the truth because I was hoping being around me would make him remember something. I’d been so determined to get answers, to understand… and now.

Now I was faced with a scared little rabbit, and getting those answers would make me lose him forever… and for the first time when he saidI’m not Nikki…

“You don’t have to be.”

Having London as he was now, alive and breathing and broken for me, was better than bringing back someone long dead. I still hated who he’d been, and I stillwantedanswers…

But I wantedLondonmore.

I’d wanted him from the moment I saw him, and I wastiredof trying to fight it.

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