Page 23 of Icebreaker

I managed to nod, knowing my voice would be shaky. "I…I'm sorry the night had to end this way."

He tried to look cheerful. "No need to apologize. It was a fantastic night. Meeting your family warmed my heart. You've got a great group of people behind you, Axel. Call me if you need anything…anything at all."

I tried to smile, but it appeared as more of a grimace. "I will, and thank you."

Quinn offered me a hug, and I accepted it. I needed the warm reassurance. I worried that he might choose to chuck our relationship, cut his losses, and run. When he turned to go, I watched him walk away. As he hunched his shoulders against the chilly night air, I felt like a coward, having appeared meek in the face of Dante's cutting words.

Over the next few days, I threw myself into hockey and let the days blur together. I stayed late at the rink after practice, running drills until my legs screamed for mercy, and I panted for breath. I was doing anything to keep the memories of Dante away, running as fast as I could to outrun the ghosts nipping at my heels.

Quinn texted me and asked if I wanted to come over for dinner and a movie. I stared at the screen, my thumb hovering over the keypad, but, in the end, I typed a brief response:

"Can't tonight. I want to get to practice early tomorrow."

It was a lie, and I was sure Quinn knew it, but I couldn't face him one-on-one. I hit send and shoved my phone in my pocket, telling myself I'd done the best thing for both of us.

I continued to push him away, canceling dates, ignoring texts, and responding to his worried questions with short, one-wordanswers. Every time I looked at him, all I could see was Dante's smirk and the taunting words: "Does he know about all the things we used to do together?"

The honest answer to that question was, "No." Quinn didn't know. He knew the 35,000-foot high overview version of my history with Dante—headlines, rumors, public interrogations. None of that amounted to the details of intimate interactions and the vulnerability I laid out for Dante, believing he would protect and cherish me. In the end, my confessions were all used as weapons against me.

How could I let Quinn in, knowing how easily I could be hurt and even broken? How could I trust him with my heart when the last man I'd given it to left it shattered on the ice?

I retreated, pulled out new bricks and mortar, and built the walls around my heart higher than ever. I watched the hurt and confusion appear in Quinn's eyes when he looked at me. I ached to reach out to him, explain, and even apologize, but I couldn't.

Self-serving lies swirled around inside my head. I told myself it was for the best. I was protecting Quinn and defending both of us. Deep down, though, I knew the truth. I was a coward. I was too scared to be vulnerable and risk more pain. Too broken to believe I deserved his love.

The distance between us continued to grow. In the locker room, I kept my head down and stared at the floor or focused on my gear like I thought my skate laces held the secrets of the universe. Quinn tried to engage me in conversation, but I always found a reason to look away and busy myself with something else.

We still played well together on the ice, our bodies syncing up even when our hearts were miles apart. Gone were the playful hip checks and celebratory hugs after goals. Now, we skated side by side, close enough to touch but never bridging that gap.

I told myself I was protecting Quinn from the shards of my broken heart, but deep down, I knew I was merely running away, too scared to face the pain I saw in his eyes.

One day after practice, he unwittingly laid out his pain, raw, for me to see. I was unlacing my skates, head down, shoulders tense, when I heard Quinn's voice from another row of stalls.

"I don't know what to do, Max. He won't talk to me or even look in my direction. It's like when Dante appeared, iterased everything I had with Axel—everything we'd built together."

A heavy sigh followed, and then the rustle of fabric. I assumed Max laid a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Just give him some time and space, kid. Russo did a number on him, and it's not easy to stare that down."

"I know. I know. I'm trying to be patient and give him what he needs, but I miss him, Max. I miss how Axel was with me. And I'm scared…scared that he's not coming back."

Quinn's voice cracked at the end of the sentence, and the sound was like a fist squeezing my heart until I couldn't breathe. I bit my lip hard enough to taste blood and fought back tears that stung the corners of my eyes.

Quinn's pain was all my fault. I was too much of a coward to let him in and soothe his worries. I'd failed to trust what we had.

Had there been a way to bridge the distance between us? Could I have found the words to explain the depth of my scars?

That night, as I lay in bed, the dim glow of my alarm clock cast a pale green hue across the bedroom. The numbers slowly ticked by, but sleep was far away. My mind rumbled with a mountain of memories, thoughts that I tried to bury but were now surging to the surface, threatening to drown me.

I closed my eyes, trying to shut the world out, but the echoes of the past were too persistent. Thoughts about Dante had thrust me back into a different time and place. His laughter rang in my ears like it all happened just yesterday. His dark eyes sparkled ashe held my hand and pulled me through bustling crowds in New York's Times Square. "Come on, Axel! I've got a big surprise for you."

I followed with a smile on my face and my heart pounding in anticipation. We dodged through the crowds. Dante's excitement had infected me. Eventually, we arrived at a tiny restaurant tucked away on a quiet Manhattan corner. The aromas of garlic and roasted tomatoes filled the air.

"Here we are," he declared as he gestured grandly. "It's the best Italian food in the city, and you deserve a treat."

The memory lurched forward, and we were inside with the candlelight playing on Dante's face as he twirled pasta around his fork. "So, what do you think?"

I'd only taken one bite, full of rich, savory flavors. "It's amazing. Thank you so much."

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