Page 102 of The One for Me
“So am I.”
“He should go to his house,” she says as a last jab.
Normally, I would go back and forth until one of us relents, but I don’t have the energy for it. None of us do.
Mom takes my hand in hers. “I’m sorry, Devney. I don’t mean to snap at you. It’s just that I’m losing it. It’s been four days since I lost my son, and I feel so out of control.” Her tears fall, and the ache in her voice breaks me.
“I’m so sorry, Mom.”
“I just . . . I want to help. I have todosomething or I’m going to go out of my mind. It hurts so much, and everything is out of my control. I can’t fix this, and . . .”
I squeeze just a bit. “I know. You are helping by being here. Austin needs you, me, and everyone in his life. I have to take things day by day and do whatever is best for him. I’m struggling too.”
She releases her hold. “He smiled when I mentioned that Sean was coming this afternoon.”
My heart sputters at the sound of his name. We’ve seen each other every day. He comes to the hospital every morning, brings us food, stays for a bit, and then does errands or something. After dinner, he usually comes back with a bag of things I might need before he and Austin talk baseball.
I want nothing more than to rush into his arms and have him hold me, but I keep pulling back a little each time.
Nothing is going to change.
We have to stop fooling ourselves that we’ll have anything more than these six months. He is going to Florida, and I am going to raise Austin in Sugarloaf.
“Sean is good to him.”
“And to you?”
I nod. “Exceedingly.”
Mom goes quiet for a moment, and then her voice changes a bit. “I know I’ve been hard on you. I’ve made things difficult, and for that, I’ll never forgive myself, but I have to tell you that if you let what you have slip away, you’re a fool.”
“I don’t want to let it go.”
Her gaze meets mine, and I see the tension set in her jaw. “Then don’t.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. It is that simple. You love him, and he loves you. He’s sitting at a hospital with your nephew each day. He’s bringing him books, talking to him about sports, and giving that little boy a sense of normalcy. He’s doing all of that as well as taking care of you.”
I jerk back. “Taking care of me?”
My mother rolls her eyes. “Seriously, Devney, you have no idea. How many famous, wealthy men do you think would behave the way he is? Hell, how many men in general? Take out the other adjectives. Not many. Sean Arrowood has always been your rock, don’t throw it into the river.”
“I’m not.”
“Then let him care for you. Allow Sean to show you the kind of husband he would be. This is his perfect opportunity to duck and run if he wants to, but all I’ve seen is a man who wants to help. You have no idea how hard being a parent is, but choosing to do it on your own...well, I can’t imagine. It’s why I was so hard on you. I was wrong. I thought that if you had raised Austin that it would’ve been kinder to you.”
She says that, but her actions negate that. Right now I am not in the mood to argue with her. It’s easier to let it go and pray that this . . . kinder version of my mother is here to stay. “And yet, here I am, raising Austin all on my own. It’s ironic, isn’t it?”
Mom’s eyes fill with tears. “No, it’s sad, and after all you went through to give him what you couldn’t, it’s . . . unfair. And yet, I can’t help but wonder if this wasn’t how it should’ve been.”
“Me raising him?”
She nods and sniffs. “I know it’s terrible, but I can’t help but wonder if this wasn’t the plan.”
If she’s even remotely considering that I was meant to care for Austin and that’s why my brother and sister-in-law are dead, I might scream. “Mom . . .”
“No, listen, I think that you giving Austin up was the right choice—the only choice. You weren’t ready, and Hazel and Jasper needed a child to love. It was the plan. It was impossible and difficult and right. But so is the fact that you will be there for him now. You and Sean can help him through this in a way that your father and I wouldn’t be able to.”
