Page 114 of Return to Us
My stomach roils. “I am trying not to think of it.”
She laughs. “You’re still not feeling good?”
“I was totally fine until you forced me to watch the road kill edition of this show.”
All day today, I’ve taken it easy and have felt fine. No fever still, and it was my day off so I’ve been relaxing almost all day.
“I had no idea this episode would be so gross. The last one was funny when they had to boil everything. It reminded me of the way my mother cooked. I didn’t know that frying was even an option until I met your father.”
I smile softly at her. “Do you regret it, Mom?”
“What?”
“Dad.”
She mutes the program and turns to me. “Of course not. I was young, but I loved him very much. The life we had wasn’t perfect, but it gave me you and Winnie.”
I feel like that answer is very . . . kind. “You don’t have to protect me.”
“Is that what you think I do?”
“Don’t you?”
My mother’s lips form a thin line. “Maybe,” she admits. “That’s what a mother does. I never wanted you kids to see bad things. It was my goal to make life easier for you.”
“It wasn’t easy for you.”
“Not always, but I was happy.”
I pull the blanket tighter around me and see my mother in a different light. For so long, I felt bad for her, pitied her in some way. But she didn’t need pity, not really. She did what she needed to, without complaint, for me and Winnie.
“I don’t know that I’ve ever thanked you.”
Her head jerks back. “Whatever would you thank me for?”
“Being a great mom.”
Her cheeks redden a touch. “That was my pleasure, Jessica.”
“Why do you think Dad left?” I ask with hesitation. “I don’t want to dredge up the past, but there is so much about that time in our lives that I feel defined me. So much I don’t understand.”
My mother takes a sip of her tea, watching me for a moment before speaking. “If there’s anything I do regret, it’s that we never talked about him or what happened. I should’ve shown you and Winnie parts of it, maybe then you both wouldn’t be so afraid to love.”
“I’m not afraid . . .”
“Yes, you are. I see it now, my sweet girl. You have this wonderful man who has loved you since you were too young to know what real love was. And you haven’t told him you’re cleared out of fear.”
I look away, not wanting her to see the shame I feel. She’s right, I’m doing all of that. No matter whether I thought I had an excuse or not, it’s been fear.
“I just don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to feel that again. When Dad left, it was horrible. He just walked away from us as though we meant nothing.”
“Maybe he did feel that way, but the man I married and loved didn’t feel nothing. I believe, in my heart, that he ached from it, but he didn’t know how to come back. Imagine the self-reflection and guilt he would’ve had to endure. Not that it excuses it because, for you and Winnie, there’s not a single thing I wouldn’t put myself through, but that’s what mothers do for their children.”
“You think Dad stayed away out of shame?”
She shrugs. “I have no idea why he’s done this, but he destroyed our family when he left us. I think that he couldn’t handle it and took the road he could walk down.”
“Leaving pain and destruction in his wake.”
