Page 38 of Return to Us
She smiles, hope alighting her face. “That’s wonderful. That’s a good sign.”
“I still felt it.”
“But not to the extent you had before, this is a good thing. By facing it, you were able to start to deal with the panic, which is why I keep pushing you on other things. Look, you could be completely over Grayson and it was some small part of your subconscious playing tricks on you or you have regrets. Only you know which one it is. However, the one thing I won’t let you do is lie to yourself about how you feel, and until you face it and really dig deep, you can’t answer honestly.”
I flop back, feeling a million things at once. I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to care or love or miss him. “We’re not the same people, and the boy I loved is gone.”
I turn my head to look at her. “No, and the girl he loved isn’t the same either. That doesn’t mean you still don’t have feelings. Considering the fact that he’s come up a lot in here as well as in your dream journal, I think it’s something you’re going to have to think about.”
She’s right. I know she’s right. When I see him, when I am near him, it’s as if something inside me is clawing its way out. Grayson is that one guy for me. He’s the person I made these plans, dreams, and hopes with. He was more than just my first love, at least I thought he was, but fear became something so much stronger than love.
“Grayson scares me,” I tell her. “My heart has always been his. I never was able to give my heart to someone else because they weren’t as good as him. I was so . . . sad when I ended things.”
“Then why did you end things?”
I sit here, trying to make sure that the words don’t jumble in my head. “Because losing him on my terms was better than losing him any other way.”
Dr. Warvel leans forward. “What if you never lost him, Jessica? What if he’s been here waiting, and your heart knew it?”
Chapter 9
Grayson
Iam a fool for coming here. Jack knew exactly what it would be like to be at this beach house with Jessica, and the asshole backed me into it.
“Daddy, can we go to the ocean?” Amelia asks as I unbuckle her from her booster seat.
“We can go tomorrow, but today, we have to open up the place.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means we have to get the house cleaned up and ready for all our friends who are coming.”
Melia’s smile is wide. “Is Uncle Jack coming?”
“He is.” I crouch so we’re eye level. “Also, two friends named Delia and Jessica are coming. Do you remember at the store when I helped my friend who was sick?”
She nods enthusiastically.
“Her name is Jessica.”
“Is she your girlfriend?”
“No, but she was a very, very long time ago, though.”
I’m not sure how the hell to navigate this conversation, but I figure honesty is a good thing. We’re never going to be more than friends, and Amelia is sometimes too smart for her own good.
“And Delia?”
Now that is funny. “No, Delia is in love with someone else. We’re all just friends.” That someone else being my older brother.
My phone rings, and I have to laugh when Josh’s name flashes on the screen.
“What’s up, big brother?”
“Not much. Just checking in to see how things are going.”
“Who is it?” Amelia asks.
