Page 123 of A Moment for Us
“Yes, at least then she’s on the monitors.”
Dr. Locke’s smile is full of understanding. “We can’t do that because she doesn’t require that level of care. There’s no medical reason to keep her. She will do much better when she’s at home and can be comfortable.”
“How will I know if something is wrong with her?” His voice is clipped.
“I understand the concerns you’re having. I can assure you that if I thought she or the baby were in any danger, we would have her stay here.” She turns back to me. “Your white blood cell counts are normal, and everything looks good. Going forward, we’ll be monitoring you weekly, and I want you on bed rest for at least a week,” Dr. Locke explains again.
Josh starts to pace. “You’re asking us to go home and, what? Hope? How do we know if there’s an issue? We won’t. We’re just going to have to wait for things to happen and then hope to God we get help in time.”
My chest tightens as I listen to him go on about what’s coming.
Dr. Locke speaks before I can. “You’re nervous, and that’s okay, but we did another ultrasound yesterday, and the baby looks good. We can go over the things to watch for. My office is ten minutes from you and either me or Dr. Willbanks are always on call.”
My hands are shaking as my heart begins to race. “I just . . . I can’t do this. I can’t be freaked out, and I’m trying not to be.”
Josh clears his throat, and when he speaks, this time, his voice is calm. “I just want to protect her.”
And I want him to relax because he’s freaking me the fuck out. “You can’t protect me, Josh. You can’t do anything to save this baby, just like I can’t. We have to be vigilant, but I can’t be afraid.”
“You have both gone through a loss, and uncertainty is normal. I would be concerned if you weren’t at least a bit worried.” She heads over to Josh. “There are things you can watch out for. If she feels sick, vomiting, bleeding, decreased baby movement, we want you to call. Also, they make fetal heart monitors that you use at home. I want to warn you they aren’t always accurate, but if it brings you both some comfort, it could be worth the investment.” Josh pulls out his phone, and I would bet my ass he’s ordering one. She turns to me. “Being on bed rest is just a precaution, and after this week, we’ll evaluate if it’s still necessary. You’ll come in weekly so we can do bloodwork. I know you’re nervous, but your health and the baby’s health are my concern. If I believed either were in danger, you’d be staying here.”
A shaky breath leaves my lungs. “Okay. Josh, please get the car so we can go home.”
I can see that he’s reluctant, but he doesn’t fight me. He kisses the top of my head and then he and the doctor talk a little more, going over my discharge papers. When he leaves to get the car, I feel so alone and confused. All of this is too much for my heart.
The fears he has are everything I’m not saying. Now, I’m worried that this will ruin him, us, and whatever is left of my heart.
Chapter 36
Joshua
We pull up to the house after a very quiet car ride. I’m not sure what to say to her because I have no idea how to explain feelings that are completely irrational.
Everything I worried about has become true. Delia is suffering because of me. Once again, I failed someone I was supposed to love and protect.
One day, she’ll see it, and then, I’ll be left with nothing.
“Josh?” she asks after a minute of me staring out the window.
“Yeah?”
“Are you okay? Are we okay?”
I look at her, finding her brown eyes filled with tears and uncertainty. “I should be asking you that.”
“You seem distant.”
“I’m just thinking about everything.”
She sighs. “Me too. I keep thinking this wasn’t real. That we didn’t just go through all this, but the loss of her is . . . it’s just . . .” Her voice cracks, and she starts to cry again. “I don’t know how I feel. We have him, and he needs us. But it’s not them or they anymore. I keep thinking about the twins, but now it’s just one. It’s crazy, right? I shouldn’t feel this way because it feels selfish. I’m at least still going to have a baby, but Celeste won’t.”
Celeste was the woman in the room next to us. During Delia’s stay, we met her and her husband, who had told us this was her third loss.
“You’re not selfish.”
She cries harder. “God, I’m a mess!”
I exit the car, moving around to her door and opening it. I pull her in my arms, holding her tight. She’s not a mess, she’s in pain. I don’t have the right words to say or anything to make this pain go away. All I can do is be here for her until she sees that it was me who caused this.
