Page 131 of A Moment for Us
She’ll hate me, and I’ll deserve it.
So, for now, I kiss her.
“Josh,” she says. “I . . . I love you. Please, just love me.”
“More than I can say,” I tell her. It’s true, my love for her is real, but I also think that love should be freedom. It should give her a safe place. I can’t do both, and it’s killing me.
“Just kiss me. Kiss me until it doesn’t hurt,” Delia pleads.
I move quickly, shifting off the bed with my heart racing. It’ll always hurt. I’m what hurts.
“Josh?” she says as I scramble farther back.
“We can’t, Delia.”
“I know, but . . .”
We can’t have sex, and while that’s what she probably thinks I mean, it’s not. It’s everything. The hurt and fear that lingers in her eyes are what keep me from saying everything. I don’t know what way is up anymore.
I love her, want her, need her, and yet, I am fucking petrified that I’ll lose her.
Not in the way that I just won’t get to be with her, but that she’s going to die. Morgan died. The baby died. It’s always the people I love who are hurt.
Delia has to get through this pregnancy and birth. There’s too much to risk.
I step back again. “I can’t hurt you.”
“You’re not.”
“I am! I’m . . . fuck. I can’t do this. I can’t live through watching you hurt.”
She shifts onto her knees. “I’m trying! I’m trying to be normal, and when you kiss me, when I am in your arms, it is like I am me again. Now you’re pushing me away?”
“I’m protecting you. Don’t you see that?”
“You want to protect me, Josh? Hold me close. Take me in your arms and tell me it’ll be okay. Tell me you love me, and you’re here with me. We’ve barely even spoken to each other this week.”
“What do you want me to say?” I yell, my hands flying up. “I can’t fix this! Once again, I can’t make this better. I can’t give you back the baby we lost. I can’t guaran-fucking-tee that you’ll deliver our son safely. I’m sitting on the sidelines, watching all of this and hoping to God that nothing else happens.”
She climbs off the bed, her hand moving to her stomach. “No one can do that. I’m dealing with the same fears, but we have each other. You’re here with me, and we should be leaning on each other.”
A shaky breath escapes my mouth. “I have to go.”
“Go where?”
“I just have to think.”
Delia watches me, and after a few seconds, she shrugs. “Then go.”
I grab my keys and do exactly that. I leave, feeling lost and unsure of what the hell to do now. I’m losing her. I’m losing myself. I’m going to lose everything because that’s what I deserve.
Chapter 39
Delia
It’s been six hours since Josh left the house. He sent me a text about an hour ago.
Josh: I’m at the resort, checking on things. I’ll be home later. Call me if there is anything you need.
