Page 83 of A Moment for Us
I lose them.
I hurt them.
I shake my head. “You are too good for me.”
“That’s not the truth. I’m not perfect. I’m not too good. What I am is here.” She steps closer, placing her hand on my heart. “Right here. In front of you with my heart in my hand, asking you to take it or at least tell me why you won’t meet me halfway and try. Help me understand why you’re so against all of this.”
I shift away, feeling the ache of the past that I’ve buried gaining strength. I should tell her so she can see that she’s wasting her love on me, but there’s a selfish part of me that craves her love.
“Because I can’t protect you! I can’t assure you that I won’t be what hurts you!”
Delia’s eyes widen. “What are you talking about? I don’t need you to protect me. I just need you to love me. To be here. To want me and not . . . not do this!”
“Do what?”
She pushes her arms to the side. “This! How do you do it? Because, God, I really want to be able to just shut the emotions off. I want to just go on like I did before, not knowing how good it feels to be with you. How do I close my heart off from you? Each time I look at you, I remember, wish, and want more. I want it to be easy for me too.”
I close my eyes and see someone else’s face. A woman I loved. A woman I lost because I was so selfish. “You think this is easy? You think I want to be like this?”
“No, I think you’re too scared to be anything else, but I see you, Josh. I see the way you look at me. I see you reach for me and then deny yourself.”
I shake my head. “And I see how much I’ll hurt you.”
“Then you have to leave.”
“Delia . . .”
She lifts her hand, wiping away her tears. “I can’t get over you. I can’t get over what we could be when you’re here, living with me, doing things for me, giving me these . . . moments . . . where all I want to do is kiss you. When you make me feel like I am special, and I swear you love me.”
I do love her. God, that’s the damn issue. I have always loved her. Then I caved. I let myself have a taste of her, and now look where we are. The idea of me leaving has me ready to fall to my knees and confess it all.
Maybe that’s exactly what I need to do.
“Love is a lie.”
“No, Josh, the lie is that you don’t care.”
“I care. I never said I didn’t. I care so fucking much that it’s why I push you away. I see what love does to people. The trust that’s there right before everything falls apart and then you’re left broken.”
Delia steps closer, tears filling those brown eyes. “Who hurt you?”
There’s the rub. No one hurt me. I’m the destroyer.
“What if I’m the breaker of hearts?”
“So, that means you’ll break your own to stop from hurting me?” she asks, the truth in every word.
“That’s exactly what I’ll do.”
Her lower lip trembles as she tries to smile, and then a lone tear falls. “Well, you’re failing, Josh. You’re breaking my heart right now.”
The need to comfort her and make things better overrides my desire to keep her away. “Delia . . .”
She moves away from me. Her hands going up. “Tell me why.”
She pushes, and I know there’s no getting out of this. I have two choices and neither works for me. I tell her the truth of my past, let her see everything, and then don’t stop her when she walks away. Or I don’t answer her and be the one who walks out the door.
The issue is that I don’t think I’m strong enough to leave her.
