Page 113 of All Too Well
“Yeah, she kept it all a secret until about six months later and refused any treatment. No matter how much he or his father begged, she wouldn’t do it.”
It broke him.
I’ll never forget one of their heated talks when I was in the garden, reading. He was begging her to fight. To just try to beat it for him. For Rose.
She placed her hand on his cheek and told him that sometimes letting go is the only way to go forward.
He stormed out of the house, and I could hear the tires screeching down the road.
“I don’t understand it.”
“I don’t either. She had her son, who she loved, and her granddaughter. Rose was only two.”
“You know that my mother had severe depression, right?”
“Yes.”
Caroline and I spent hours talking about childhoods, and hers is semi similar to Lachlan’s. The difference was that Caroline’s mother sought help. In her home there was no stigma around mental health, and it was treated like any other illness.
“My mother would often have us go to therapy sessions with her. My brother and I fucking hated it. We were young and we really didn’t understand any of it. Our parents shielded us from the really dark times. I had to live with my grandparents in NewJersey for a few weeks. We just thought it was a vacation, but I learned later on that my dad had to take her to a specialty treatment facility and he wouldn’t leave her there.”
I smile just barely at the last part, and Caroline smiles bigger. “It’s sweet, isn’t it?”
“It really is.”
“He loved her in sickness and in health. There were plenty of really great times. Once she was on the right medication and was in therapy regularly. My point is, Mom tried to explain to us what it felt like in her head. Depression is a liar and thief. It robs you of joy and makes you believe that the despair is deserved, she said. It takes one bad thought and feeds itself until it’s so large you have no choice but to believe it.”
I sit back on my bed, letting the weight of that settle around me. “It has to be such a burden living in that sadness every day.”
Caroline sighs heavily. “My mother was able to get the help she needed and had the support of her family. If his mom didn’t ...”
“No, she did, in a way, but I understand what you mean. His father wasn’t given the choice to stay home. He had to deploy.”
“All I’m trying to explain is that the perspective that Lachlan has is different than yours. He lived it, watched it, felt everything, and then she chose—in his mind—to leave him. Doesn’t matter that he was a grown man with his own child, because Rose’s mother chose to leave her. It’s just ... messy.”
It is, and I’ve put myself smack-dab in the middle of it.
“I would never do that to him.”
Caroline gives me a sad smile. “But you will when this assignment is over.”
“That’s not a choice! I live in New York. I have a job.”
“And his father didn’t have a choice, but he still blames him ...”
twenty-four
Lachlan
“I’ll see you in a few weeks. I’ll come visit you and Rose,” Caspian says as he’s loading his car.
“Sounds good.”
“How are you and Ainsley getting on?”
My eyes widen for a second. “What?”
“You know, you guys hate each other.”
