Page 24 of Return Billionaire to Sender

“Like stationary with both logos,” Lizzie says. “Maybe she has to print out worksheets?”

“You have to make him do worksheets on the people in our building,” Francine says, rubbing her hands. “He has to watch the videos and remember things about us!”

“What is the name of Tabitha’s hamster?” Jada jokes. “What is Francine’s Holy Grail as a dancer? What city did Antonio grow up in?”

Everybody is laughing now. Except me.

“What is the name of the cutest dog ever, according to residents of 341 West Forty-fifth?” Lizzie asks. “Five demerits if you get it wrong, motherfucker!”

“Be serious, you guys,” I say. “This has to at least seem real. The man’s not a dipshit.”

“Incoming,” Willow says.

More things appear in my mailbox. It’s the instructional program Stella devised for Malcolm. A PDF workbook and discussion topics.

“It looks like she’s just an independent contractor,” Willow says. “They probably don’t even have an on-site office for her.”

“Yeah, she said she was a contractor,” I say.

“I think as long as you keep checking off the boxes, you’re good,” Willow says.

“What about the comments area?” I ask. “I would never know what to put there. But I’m guessing Stella would probably just blow that area off.”

Willow says, “Maybe you should check out the Bexley Partners website and read about Stella.”

Jada’s on it. She lets out a hoot of laughter. I lean over. My picture is onStella’s bio page. It says she’s from a small town in Pennsylvania and is committed to the synergy of excellence.”

“Synergy of excellence? Did you make that up, Willow?” Francine asks.

“Do you like it?”Willow asks. “I think it’s hilarious.”

“You guys, this isn’t a joke,” I say. “Also, you thinkthe Bexley Partners themselves won’t notice this?”

“Companies never look at their own websites,” Willow says. “Trust me. I know. Entire sites are down for weeks and nobody notices. Did you read the bio? It’s your real background, plus some fluff. I included some stuff about your postal carrier background. I’m gonna insert the name Stella in your high school graduating class and elsewhere. Just in case.”

“Oh my god,”I say.

“I really think you could pull this off,” Lizzie says. “I really do. As long as you don’t make it too painful, I think he’ll just want to get it over with. Bexley just wants their money.”

Jada says, “I have ten hours of footage total, but I can make more. Maisey alone would give me another seven.”

Lizzie is laughing. “You’re gonna make him watch twenty-one hours of us telling about our love for each other and the building.” She pumps her fist in the air. “Yeah!”

“Wait, excuse me,” I say. “There’s something I need to do.” I grab my iPad and enter a check mark in the box next to the introductory session. “There. Malcolm earned a check mark for today’s session.”

“Woo-hoo!” Francine unscrews a plastic top off a mini bottle of champagne.

“You’d better not have gotten that out of the mini fridge,” I say.

Francine points at Willow. “She brought it. But I’m sure it’s fine to take things out of the mini-fridge,” Francine says. “You probably even have a meal stipend.”

I widen my eyes. “A meal stipend that I wouldneverdare use.”

Francine rolls her eyes. Willow offers me a mini bottle of champagne and I take it. “Question—what if he refuses to watch Jada’s footage? That sort of thing isn’t in the packet. You should have been there, he was extremely uninterested in the footage.” I don’t tell them he called Maisey by five different wrong names. We all have such a soft spot for Maisey, our seventy-something galpal from the third floor. “Do I have the power to make him watch it?What if he really, really doesn’t want to watch it? Because he really doesn’t.”

“He won’t get a check mark, then,” Lizzie says. “He gets a failing ‘X.’”

“What happens if he gets a failing ‘X’? Would he even care? Is it just a grown-up version of a frowny face sticker? Does he get three and then a demerit?”

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