Knox walked a short distance from the closed door, stopped, and rested his brow against the stone wall.
“Bloody hell,” he whispered.
How was it that he felt as if he was just stabbed in the heart? The pain was like nothing he had ever felt before this, and he had suffered God-awful pain at times. But this—this pain—was different. It was on the edge of unbearable and when he silently admonished himself for being a fool and walked away, the further he got the more intense the pain grew.
He hurried to the refectory and poured himself a tankard of wine and drank it down then poured another.
“Trouble sleeping?”
Knox spun around, his hand on the hilt of his dagger at his waist, annoyed at himself for being so lost in thought that he hadn’t heard anyone approach.
“Easy, my son,” Brother Ewan said. “I have trouble sleeping myself.”
Knox dropped down on the bench, resting his elbows on the table and rubbing his brow with his fingers.
“Marriage isn’t easy.”
“If only,” Knox said with a sorrowful chuckle, thinking if they were truly wed, their marriage consummated there would be no problem. Things would be easy. Or would they?
“Your wife has woken something in you that you don’t understand,” Brother Ewan said, joining him at the table and filling a tankard for himself.
Knox tilted his head to look at the monk oddly.
“I recall what you said to Phelan about how he beat the fear out of a frightened, and I imagine, very young lad. It was more than fear he took from you. He beat all feelings out of you. Your wife, with her boldness alone, has opened your heart and no doubt your soul to feel once again and that can be confusing, painful, and joyous. It will take time to heal from such harm and you are lucky to have a wife who loves you so much that she will keep you safe as you do the same for her.”
Knox shook his head. “I don’t even know what love is, what it feels like.”
“Aye, but you do, Knox. It’s there every time you look at your wife, when you take her in your arms, when it pains you to leave her. It is far too obvious to deny.”
Confused, Knox shook his head again. “How could it happen? I barely know her.”
Brother Ewan laughed. “An age-old question many wish to know. Love arrives when we least expect it and can be delivered with a wallop, or it can creep up on you.”
“Does it leave the same way?” The thought of never seeing Dru again tearing at his heart.
“A strong love, a love that is true, can not only bear life’s burdens but grow stronger in spite of them.”
Knox’s eyes narrowed. “You’ve been in love.”
“Aye, I have,” Brother Ewan said with a soft smile and a nod. “And it was a strong and true love and when I lost her to an illness, I knew I’d never find another like her. So, I turned to the church, and I do my best to help others until the day I am reunited with her.” He rested his hand on Knox’s back. “Trust me. Yours and Dru’s love is strong enough to survive the worst of life. You both will do well together. Now you best get some sleep with that early start you want to get in the morning.”
Knox nodded, swallowed the last of his wine, and stood. When Brother Ewan remained seated, he asked, “Morning will come soon enough for you as well, Brother Ewan.”
“I sleep little most nights, my son. Now go and be with your wife and cherish the moments you have with her.”
Knox’s mind was chaotic with thought as he walked to his room, and he fought to make sense of it. He stopped abruptly before reaching the door. He had to put the mission before anything else. Whatever was between Dru and him would have to wait. Besides, if what Brother Ewan said proved to be true then he needed the land so that he and Dru would have a place to start their lives together. The mission suddenly became even more important to him. All else would have to wait—if it could.
He already felt like kissing her again and that wouldn’t be wise because it was obvious he wanted to do more than just kiss her.
With a gentle turn of the latch, he opened the door and slipped in, closing it quietly behind him. He walked over to the bed, seeing his wife curled around a pillow, sound asleep. Was the pillow a substitute for him? Did she miss him there with her? There was no room for him unless he took her in his arms and wrapped himself around her.
A quick arousal alerted him to the problem with that and he turned around and left the room.
Tonight, he would bed down where it was safe—with his mare.
Knox reachedup and lifted Dru off Star. “Take a drink from the stream then we’ll be on our way.”
Dru nodded, her head filled with endless things she wanted to ask him and even more things she wanted to say to him, but she remained silent.