Page 148 of Preacher Man

He went on autopilot raiding the shitty vending machine for anything edible he could find, two snickers bars, she’d need the sugar for shock, he grabbed a few bags of chips and nuts, then he poured two coffees from the station the hospital had set up. It smelled like pond water, but it was hot, he dumped in half a pound of sugar in hers. On second thoughts, he made one for the social worker wasp lady as well, might as well get in good with her where he could.

Marry his Ruby?

Fuck.

The scary thing was, hownotscared he was absorbing that. His pulse was all out of sync ‘cause he wanted it? Now he was thinking of it. He fucking wanted that more than he wanted anything.

His old lady for real by law and by the club.

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

“I’ll do whatever I have to for my nephew.” - Ruby

Ruby was numb and in agony all at once on a constant loop of grief and rage. Wicked stabs to her heart took her breath every few seconds, but she had to keep things together, keep her bones working and moving, keep her heart beating, for Sebastian’s sake.

It had been the longest five days of her life. And she never wanted to see or smell the inside of a morgue ever again. The scent of that sterile building in her nostrils, the noise of her shoes on the cold tiled floor, would stay with her forever. She knew how death worked, she’d been the one to take care of her mother’s funeral when she was little more than a teenager, was it any wonder her family let her take the reins in everything, they expected it. Now she was doing this last thing for Rita.

She had to. Keep it together, hold it in. Seb couldn’t be entrusted to anyone else, who could love that little boy more? It was preposterous the authorities even had to consider it. But it was proving difficult much to her dismay. It was life stacking up the bad news one at a time.

She’d cried so many tears this past week she was dry, deplete of feelings, like she was a giant husk, all hollow inside, the echo of her pain the only thing she could hear. She kept replaying the last words she’d said to Rita, hateful words, tired frustrated words, the sister's having their usual slanging match on the phone and now she couldn’t hear her voice anymore, no matter how hard she searched her memory, it was just gone.

The police were looking for that dickhead Dwayne, they weren’t saying why, but she knew he’d had something to do with Rita’s death, when she’d thought about it, Rita’s last text didn’t even sound like her. How could a dead woman text?Come to Colorado, you can have a life with me.If only she’d listened, god, why hadn’t she just listened for once? Ruby wanted to scream until her lungs burned, but she had to keep it together, had to keep going.

Looking over at Preacher from her vantage point on his bed, she could see him through the doorway to the bathroom, wearing a pair of low-riding gray sweatpants that hung off his hips, shaving his skull with one of those electrical clippers, small dustings of hair fell onto his shoulders and chest.

She made him her focal point, when her breastbone grew tight and achy, like she wanted to fall apart on the floor and just die alongside her sister, she made him her strength this week and he’d held her up, he’d been by her side every minute of the day and night, staying at the hospital until Seb was checked out, he held her while she cried when the child protection services took him, ensuring they’d do their best to look at her application for temporary custody, she’d hugged Seb so hard, telling him she loved him and she would see him again soon. He was four years old, all he knew was he was being left on his own.

Through it all, Preacher had been there. Her tall macho rock. Asking the questions, she couldn't think to, making sure she ate, going to places even she didn't want to go but death forced her hand, through it all he held hers and guided her forward.

The funeral. God. She’d blocked it out, couldn’t think of it, the pitiful attendance was testament how her sister had ruined her life and those that turned up were junkies, some friend legacy to leave behind. When it looked fruitless to stay in Nebraska, the CPS had let her know they’d be in touch, and so had detective Kane, they’d hopped on a plane and returned home. Helpless and empty.

Preacher’s lawyer had told her honestly her lifestyle would come into question when the CPS looked at her application, never considering she was the one person in this whole damn miserable world who loved that boy, who would go above and beyond to give him a good life, but no, they had their fucking protocols and checklists to adhere to.

Ruby was terrified she was going to lose him. What could she do?

“You doing okay, beautiful?” She hadn’t heard the clippers switch off. Her eyes rose to meet Preacher’s. She nodded and gave him what she thought was a smile. He padded forward, dropped down on his haunches in front of her, taking her cold hands in his. “I’m gonna cook up some eggs, you’ll eat.” She nodded again.

“I can do it.”

“Let me take care of you, Ruby. Just a little.”

Preacher was a sword cutting through all the mundane life for her when she was too numb to even think about it. She reached out and touched his cheek briefly, she wanted to say so much to him, tell him how grateful she was he existed and was in her life, that he’d stayed with her and let her leak all over him, she wanted to say so much and yet no words came, he turned his head and kissed the center of her palm before rising, he dropped another kiss on the top of her head.

“Asher?”

He turned at the door and gave her one of those devastating smiles of his that curled the edge of his mouth, and flooded warmth in her belly. She took the smile and made it her own, took it for herself, she needed it more than ever.

“I can’t ----I can’t remember anything good. All my good memories of everything, are gone. I can’t----I can’t remember Rita’s voice, or the last time I played with Seb and made him laugh. I fought and risked everything to give my sister a better chance in life, something other than the same path our parents took, and it was all for nothing. It feels all for nothing, she’s fucking dead and I’m so angry she left Seb, and it’s all gone and I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t even remember the last kiss you and I shared. I can’t see anything good anymore. It’s just all gone.” Her voice rose in panic, a storm building in her eyes. He came back to her instantly and crouched down, his eyes holding hers, nothing but sympathy and understanding in his touch. She clutched at his hands, racking her brains, everything in there was empty, a void of nothing and dark noise, her eyes filled with tears.

“Baby.” He pulled her in. “I have you.” He dipped his head, pressed their lips together. “That was our last kiss and just like every kiss we’ve shared, it was perfect, more than I can put into words. I love every kiss you give me and I love the promise of more kisses to come even better.” He drew her in, calmed her with a few simple words. “I have you, Ruby. it’s going to be okay, I promise. Not today, or tomorrow, but it will.”

******

Preacher had the forever kind in mind. The idea of them not having forever together fucking scared him to the bones, but while he kept that in his head, he didn’t let Ruby in on it, not now, not yet. He just held her, soothed her, told her she wasn’t alone.

You could always marry her.

That happy maniacal thought had buzzed around his skull all week, wondering if he should bring it up to her, the graver updates they received from Archie the closer he was to laying it down as an offer to the table. Ruby was holding on by a thread, any more bad news regarding that kid she was gonna lose it and he wouldn’t see that happen.

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