Page 168 of Filthy Love

Fuck. Fuck. He hated when she cried.

“I’ll sort it, okay? It’s nothing for you to get strung out about.”

“Hawk. What is it? Please tell me. We can deal with it together. You’re not alone. I swear it. Whatever it is. Have you hurt someone? Worse? What does it have to with that woman?” He watched her catch her breath, it stuttered. Her lids drifted lower than normal to mask the tears he saw, and her lips gave the sexiest little tremble he wanted to bite because he was a fucking deviant even when she was visibly upset he wanted her.

Always fucking wanting her.

For years he had to be cruel to keep her from being hurt by him and it was all fucking futile since he was here unable to give her up and on the cusp of hurting her.

His strong girl flinched, lifted her chin with all the tears brimming in her beautiful blues and asked him. “Were you ... are you married, and she wants you back? We can deal with it.” As much as her touch soothed, right then it made the inside of his skin burn, he shoved her away rougher than intended and saw how the action hurt her. But he had no fucking control of himself, he couldn’t think through the rage and the fury that this fucking thing was still plaguing him and wouldn’t allow him to be happy.

Secrets, lies, disgust, betrayal.

Gia could demand it all and he’d lose her.

The idea that now he had her she could easily walk away from him once she knew tied knots in his stomach.

To fight his past with blood and fury.

He had a feeling that wasn’t gonna work here. Not for something real with Gia. She merited so much more, hadn’t he been saying it this whole fucking time? Only now he wasn’t prepared to let her go. Wasn’t strong enough to watch her leave him.

He was a shell of a man before, he’d be a dead fucking man walking without her.

“Without you even telling me anything I can see the past is shackled firmly to your ankles like dead weight, Colton.” How she used her softly spoken …carefulvoice on him. He hated she felt the need to be careful with him, that she assumed showing her anger he would walk out and leave her. “I think I finally understand why you pushed me away for so long, because your hands were full already. You’ve carried it around with you everywhere as a reminder, using it as a crutch, an excuse. What happens one day when we have kids? We need to learn to trust one another, baby. You can trust me with anything.”

All he heard was kids.

Kids.

Babies.

Him a father? That was a joke.

His fucking brain felt too tight inside his skull as he yanked fingers through his hair and snarled. An automatic response to the creeping under his skin.

“I’m never fucking having kids, Gia. Fuck no. Hell no. Not fucking ever. Kids with me? Are you fucking insane?”

CHAPTER FORTY

“Invite the love of his fucking life to look at his demons … what a shitty idea.” - Hawk

Triggers, tiny fucking pneumatic missiles started popping inside Hawk’s head until the white noise felt like shards of glass tearing up his ear canal.

Reminders of just how not normal he was kicked him in the nuts. Like he needed that mirror held up against his face. A decent fucking guy who didn’t lash out like a moron. He didn’t process as others did and wasn’t that half the problem of why he thought he was a piece of shit.

His sweet Gia didn’t deserve his burst of frustrated anger.

Something down deep crumbled.

Hawk immediately moved his damn feet, regret staining his eyesight and he got back in his woman’s path, no hesitation this time he put his hands on her.

As her eyes shut and her calm sigh glided across his throat, she hadn’t faltered in touching him, in accepting his. Gia curled into his ribs, fisting the back of his shirt in two hands, not letting go.

And he didn’t want her to.

His knees would give out before he let her go again.

Going under the hem of her shirt he spread his fingers on her waist, around to her spine. Holding her tightly.

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