Page 72 of Filthy Love

He fucked up.

He had no idea how to be normal and Gia needed normal. A normal man to love her.

“An animal with table manners is still an animal. Why pretend? You give me an in, it doesn’t even have to be much of an in, an inch at most and I’ll take it, use it, I’ll be the monster who preys on you, Gia, just mark my words, don’t give me a fucking in, quit looking at me all doe-eyed like I hang the moon, that’s not me, that’s some romanticized version you have of me.”

“Do you know what I’ve learned about bikers, the bikers I know in particular?” She asked, and Hawk rolled up a brow waiting. “You’re all egomaniacs chuffing up your chests, oh, I am big bad man stay away,grrrr.” Her fake baritone voice, presumably to mimic him and his brothers drifted back into her sweet tone. She was beautiful mocking him. “And talk about sexist! I’ve never seen anything like it. Instead of assuming a woman can make her own decisions, can do her own thinking, it’s all…” again with the deep voice and her sweet pink lips puckered in concentration, she took her mocking seriously. “No, Gia, this is for your own good, Gia,grrr, chest beat,grrrr.Me man, me know best.”

He frowned. “I donotsound like that.”

She laughed in his face.

He had nothing to offer Gia and that’s what it all boiled down to. What was he, but a killer. What did he have? Nothing of worth. Sure, there was money, but she had her own, she was a damn psychologist for Pete’s sake, she’d graduated college a full three years early, she could choose to work anywhere in the world, marry any number of eligible guys; brain surgeons, scientists, fucking men who cured cancers. So, who was Hawk to think he had the right to toss his hat in that ring, to presume his worthless-fucking-self had a right to win her for his own.

He was bad inside and out and nothing was changing that.

Man, he wished.

The walls began to shrink and close him in until his lungs felt like they were seconds from bursting his desperation all over the fucking floor. He grabbed two handfuls of his hair.

“What do you want from me, Gia? For me to be the man who throws you up against a wall and fucks you like a freak? Make it hurt a little, get you to scream like a bad girl?” He watched her visibly swallow, her eyes going around before the flattened out when she realized he was talking shit, would never go through with it. “I’m not that man. Find a nice boring boyfriend who will fuck you on a Thursday and never give you a moment’s hesitation or worry.” Someone deserving of her love.

“So, then leave me alone,” she screamed at him. He was in no mistake those were angry tears sparkling her eyes.

“I’ve tried. I can’t. I fuckingcan’tleave you alone, Gia. I’m obsessed with being near you.” Cracks appeared in his mind, Hawk huffed in air like he was on the weed pipe, only this was no ordinary high. He let his head hang loose on his neck, hands on his hips, if he didn’t keep his fingers glued to his side he’d reach for her, wouldn’t he? He’d put his filthy fucking hands all over her. “Let me just—be near you.”

Gia laughed. A brittle noise without a hint of humor. “Do you know how cruel that is to me? You want to be near me, but you don’twant me. Are you thatcruelof a man? I can’t cope with this, Colton. You come close enough to stir me up, to get your fix then you back away just as fast. You’re making me dizzy.” Her voice broke. Just totally snapped in half.

“I’m no good for you. I wasn’t then and I’m even worse now. Is that who you want? What you want in your life? A man who has hurt people, who enjoys it. I’m trash, Gia. But I can’t stay away from you. You’re in my fucking blood.”

“Is it so bad if you need me? That’s all I want.”

“Need? I passed need long ago, little bit. I live in my own starvation until it chokes me.”

“Oh.”

And then again. “Oh.”

“Don’t you see I don’t take what you wanna give me ‘cause we both know you deserve someone better.”

Her voice was devoid of the emotion she’d had a moment ago. “That's all well and good, Colton, on paper I would probably go for that boyfriend, I bet he'd pick up groceries and take me to romantic movies on valentine’s day.” Hawk's jaw cracked. What a putz, he'd kill a man for putting a hand on her. She belonged to... he stopped that train of thought, she didn't belong to him now, then or ever.

“But, even as you stand there now with lust burning your bones while you look at me, it's not always easy choosing what is right. I want you, I've always wanted you.”

Why couldn’t he just tell her his truth? Just tell her once and for all why he was trash and not good for her. She wouldn’t try so hard to get him to change his mind, would she?

Hawk swallowed around the rock in his throat. The hurt on her face destroyed him. She rose from the couch and turned her wet blue eyes on him.

He was trash.

Evil.

Fucking unworthy. Look how he’d hurt her without even trying.

“I think you need to go, Hawk.”

He narrowed his eyes.

“I can’t have you here. I’m hearing you finally. Just get out, please.”

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