Page 78 of Filthy Love

“But you give a shit about me? Sure. That makes a ton of sense.”

He dragged in a lungful of air and almost moaned taking in the scent of coconut. Her scent. “Gia…”

“I’m trying to understand, to wrap my brain around how it’s easy for you to stick your dick in any woman but me. Why you’ll spend hours with your head between my legs, but you won’t even let me touch you in the same way.”

And then, just like that, his ugly truth came tumbling out through gritted teeth. “I fucking stuck my dick in them because I can’t have you!” Frustration leaked out like an oil spill with his every growl, offering all he could in hopes of what, she’d understand his warped logic? No. He’d come back for another reason, hadn’t he? But she deserved all the truth first. “I don’t give a shit about who I’ve fucked, they’re forgettable. I don’t touch them, want them, it’s a release, Gia. I’ve got a screw loose and I don’t want to infect you with that. I fuck them because I couldn’t fuck you.”

He watched her face blanche. And he hated he was the one to put it there.

Hawk dropped his head over his hands. Lowered his voice to a gravelled, pained rumble. Every organ squeezed oxygen until it choked him. “I want you more than I need to breathe, Gia. It’s never gonna change. I mean what I say, I’m no good for you.”

You’re evil, boy. You’re a disease.

“I’ll end up ruining you. But I want you so fucking badly.” Raising his head, he met her startled look and oh, fuck him … that look of hers gave him so much goddamn hope.

He went for broke. He’d come this far.

“I can’t sleep with you.” He followed on before she could speak. “Not yet. I haven’t …fuck. I never cared about protecting myself, Gia.” His own body was a piece of shit he didn’t care to wrap it in a rubber when he fucked. And saying it out loud like this to the woman he loved … yeah, he felt like the worst scum on earth. He swallowed the rocks in his throat. “If you still want me after knowing …”

“Condoms.” She choked out.

Hawk shook his head. “No. I won’t chance you that way, little bit. If you want to fuck me.” Jesus, was he even saying it? A decade he’d denied himself and he was sitting at her table offering himself up for her use.

He was tired of fighting himself.

He was so fucking weak for needing her.

Just once.

“If you still want that, then I get it sorted first, then…”

“Then we can date?”

Date? What did he know about dating a woman like her? Any woman? Clueless had a name and it was Hawk. He found himself bobbing his head.

He’d give her anything.

“Yeah, little bit.”

He’d done it now.

Nailed his own coffin.

But as Gia sat back in her chair and exhaled slowly, the apples of her cheeks rosy pink, he felt a peace settle around his chest.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

“Who said three’s a crowd?” - Lawless.

As motels went, this one was two drugs raids up from a prized shithole.

Overlooking a mountain range, with only a gas station across the road for company, it wasn’t ideal aesthetically, but perfect for noise cancelling.

Lawless positioned in the doorway, his shaved head almost clipping the top of the frame and took stock of the one bed in the pocket-sized space. A crappy portable tv on the dresser, a bathroom no doubt smaller than the broom closet at the club.

Dark pea-green carpet, patchy and worn in the high foot traffic areas had seen better days. Nicotine stained walls and some god-awful orange lamp with tassels around the shade.

It was straight out of the acid-fuelled 70’s.

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