Page 31 of Manhattan Heart

I’ve never shown her my anxiety.

I’ve never broken apart in front of her.

Not even when I saw her in the hospital after her car accident, though I was terrified she would die.

No wonder she’s surprised while I cry all over her and it takes a good few minutes to calm down.

“Who are we killing?” She asks and makes me watery laugh. It’s only when I wipe my face that I see she has a kid attached to her boob.Jesus Christ.

“Fuck. Sorry, I didn’t see you were feeding Sage.”

“Thank god I wasn’t sexing up Noah,” she grins. “What’s wrong, babe?”

It all pours out of me like word vomit.

“Oh, babe.” She says sadly. “No wonder you’re a wreck. I’d be one too.”

See, she gets it.

That bone deep fear of losing the one person who means the most to you.

She lets me go on quietly crying while Sage sucks on the boob.

It’s an odd scene, but I calm myself or wear myself out is more truthful and take a shuddering breath right as the baby stops feeding.

“Can I burp him?” I ask.

“He’ll probably spit up on you.”

“I don’t care.” Then my arms are full of good smelling baby-boy.

I love all of Sena’s three kids, but my heart belongs to Theo.

He was the first and chunkiest baby and for not being a kid person, I got taken down by his chubby cheeks the first visit.

Sage is gorgeous too and I rub his little back for a few minutes while he burps like a god.

“Me and Noah are here for whatever you and Gray need,” Sena says and I know she means it. I feel a ton better now I’ve cried it out and I can think clearly to be the support Gray will need.

I can’t let him down this time. I can’t be the one who needs support.

I have to be the strong one in our marriage for the first time ever and I’m terrified of letting him down. Of him seeing finally I’m not the wife for him.

“He’s going to be fine, babe, you know that. Gray will always fight to be with you, he’s nuts over you.”

I know this. Logically. But my emotions are in charge of the wheel right now and they’re little gossiping bitches who don’t always tell me the truth.

“I love him, Sena. No, it’s worse than love. I fucking adore that man. I’m freaking the fuck out. How can this happen? To my Grayson. He’s the fittest person I know.”

“I’m sure he has the best doctors who are going to put him back to factory setting, babe,” I chuckle a little as she wants me to, trying to put me at ease with her tech analogy. I’ll be good with that, Gray being rebooted.

I can’t envision a day when we’re not together and our age difference of nearly fifteen years has never even mattered a day in our relationship.

Until now.

Until I realize the mortality of us actually dying old together is slim.

My own heart races like a mad train but holding sweet, loveable Sage is a tonic and I stay on Sena’s bed with her for an hour until we trek downstairs.

---