Page 72 of Single Girl Rules: Auctioned

“What detail do you dispute? Some of the dialogue may nothave been verbatim, sure. But I’ll never forget that epic bachelorette party. Andwhat came next was pretty epic too.”

“I dispute all of the details. Because none of that everhappened. I think I’d remember if I’d been kidnapped. Anyway, continue withyour wild tales if you must, but I’m going to have more pizza.” She reached fora slice, but the table between us was empty. Ash blinked and looked around. “Where’dthe pizza go? And when did we get on an airplane?”

“Girl, we’ve been in the air for like twenty minutes. Now,what were you saying about your ironclad memory?”

Ash gave a nervous laugh. “Right. I remember taking that…fancycar to the uh…Philly airport?”

I shook my head. “We took a helicopter to a private airstrip.”

“Sure did,” agreed Ash with an enthusiastic nod. “I was justchecking to make sureyourmemory was okay. Good news, you passed.”

“Hmmm… Nope. We actually took a limo.” I pulled out my phoneand showed her a picture we’d taken with the hot limo driver just beforeboarding shmoopie poo’s private jet. “Seriously, how do you not remember? Nevermind,” I said, snapping my fingers. “I know what happened.”

“You do?”

“Yup. You must have hit your head on the steering wheel whileyou were giving the chauffeur road head on the way here. Very thoughtful way totip him, if I do say so myself.”

“WHAT?!”

I laughed. “Just kidding. You didn’t blow him. Although I’mnot sure why not. He was definitely packing something special.”

“I’m a married woman! I can’t just go around blowing randompeople.”

“Right.” I winked at her.

“No. Don’t wink at me about that. I’m serious! And I’m alsovery concerned about my memory.”

I waved off her concern. “It’s just the banana juice messingwith your head. I always thought you were joking about not remembering stuff. Butnow I’m thinking that your brain legit locks away all the memories you makewhile you’re drinking banana juice. Which explains why you don’t remember anyof the stories I’m telling. And why you don’t remember getting on this plane.”

“Oh God,” said Ash. “What other terrible things have I done?”

“Terrible? None that I can remember. You’re actually quitesweet when you’re drunk on banana juice. Unless someone gets in the way of yourinsatiable hunger for dick.” I paused and thought back to one of my fondestmemories of Ash. “You punched a bear once.”

“I did what?! What situation could we have possibly gotteninto where I needed to punch a bear in order to get some dick?”

“I can think of a lot of situations where that would benecessary. I mean, everyone knows that zookeepers have larger-than-average penises.That big dick energy is crucial to establishing dominance over the animals. Soit’s easy to imagine how punching a bear would be necessary to get that zookeeper D. A camping trip would also…”

“I wasn’t asking for hypotheticals. I wanted to know how I specificallyended up punching a bear.”

“Girl, my wedding starts any minute now. We don’t have timefor wild stories.”

“Are you kidding me right now?” asked Ash. “This whole timeyou’ve been telling the world’s longest story about how I supposedly lost myvirginity.”

“Correction: I’ve been telling you anormal lengthstory about how youactuallylost your virginity. Now, shall I continue?”

“We’re probably almost back to New York, so you should just skipto the end and tell me who took my V-card. I hope it wasn’t that short kingfrom dick, dick, dick.”

“Why?” I asked. “What’s wrong with short kings? Didn’t youhear what I said earlier about the blood flow thing?”

“So itwashim?”

“Nope.” God, I couldn’t wait to tell her who took her virginity.She was going to freak the fuck out.

Ash scrunched her face to the side like she did when she wasthinking really hard. “Shit, I know who it was. It was freaking Tonguenado,wasn’t it?”

“Maybe. That would make sense, given that you’d just won hiscock as your prize for winning dick, dick, dick. But you’re forgetting that thebanana king had given the guards strict ordersnotto bang you. Heneeded your virginity intact for the auction. Speaking of the banana king…Ithink I’m gonna let him tell this next part of the story in his own words.”

Ash gasped and looked around frantically. “Stay away,pervert!” she screamed. “I’m a married woman!”

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