Page 15 of Single Girl Rules: HoHoHo

Ash nodded approvingly. “Are we going with a Claymore to takeher out while she’s skiing? Or are you thinking a classic anti-tank mine?”

“Yes, yes,” replied Slavanka.

So both, then?“I’m loving this energy, but Home Aloneis really more about using household items rather than military gradeexplosives. So try to think about things you’d have at a ski resort.”

“Okay.” Slavanka pointed to one of the guest rooms on the map.“Tie bear to bedpost.” Then she moved her finger to the bathroom. “Make hot tubinto waterboard.” And then outside to the slopes. “Sharpen skis on rock and putat bottom of pitfall trap.”

“The ground might be too frozen to dig a hole.”

Slavanka pointed to the snowmobile rental garage. “Car bomb insnowmobile.”

“Yes! Amazing!” said Ash.

Annnnd we’re back to the explosives.But Daddy didalways have some car bombs in storage for a rainy day, so I drew one on the mapby the snowmobiles. Although I couldn’t exactly call Daddy and tell him to meetme at the resort with a car bomb. Then he’d know I was coming. We needed tofocus on things that we’d be bringing ourselves. Like…

“How about we hide a dildo on the ski slopes?” I suggested. “Hitone of those going fifty miles per hour and you could easily break your ankle.”

“Nice one,” said Rosalie as I drew a twelve-incher near thebottom of the main slope. “We could also lube up the lobby floors.”

I drew a bottle of lube spilling all over the lobby.

“Hairspray blowtorch,” said Slavanka.

“Oh!” said Ash. “I love that. Also, I have an idea! We couldsharpen all our heels and hide them in Isabella’s mattress. When she lies down…”Ash grabbed a Christmas cookie and smashed it down on her finger, presumablytrying to show what would happen to Isabella when she lay down on her stilettobed. But instead she just jammed her finger. “Ow.”

“That give me idea,” said Slavanka. “We drop safe off balcony.Isabella go smoosh like Ash’s finger.”

“This isn’t a motel,” I said. “The safes are all built into thewalls.”

“What if we rig a series of hairdryers to the gutters so thatthey melt the tops of icicles and make them fall and impale her?” suggestedAsh. “Or better yet, let’s put a tripwire at the bottom of the stairs and whenIsabella hits it, one of those luggage carts will fall down the stairs and pushher into the hot tub.”

“Where we waterboard,” added Slavanka.

Ash nodded. “Or we could turn the water temperature up to 200degrees. Boil that bitch alive!”

I laughed and drew as fast as I could. Ash was really gettinginto this.

“Wait!” yelled Ash. “I have it. The ultimate trap.” She grabbedthe sharpie out of my hand and started drawing.

Huh?I tilted my head to see if that would help makeher vision clear. But it didn’t. Slavanka and Rosalie looked equally confused.

“We’re going to surprise her with an extraordinarily hairy penis?”Seriously, why was it so hairy? A little hair at the base would have been fine,but the entire dick she’d drawn was covered in long, straight hairs stickingstraight out from base to tip.

“No,” she said as she drew another one. And another.

“Lots of hairy dicks then?” I asked.

“No! Centipedes! Centipedes everywhere!” Ash shivered as shesaid it. And then her face went pale. “Wait. How are we gonna prevent them fromgetting us too?!” She furiously crossed them all out on the map.

“We stand on chair,” said Slavanka.

I nodded. “That’s actually a pretty great solution. But youdo bring up a good point, Ash. If this was a true Home Alone situation and it wasjust us against Isabella, these ideas would all be dynamite. But there are goingto be tons of people there. It would be super easy for an innocent civilian toget caught in any of these traps. And killing the troops there would be a bigno-no.” I tore the map off the rest of the roll and tossed it into the trash. Ormaybe it was the mail bin? Ghostie and Teddybear had put so many decorations everywherethat it was impossible to tell the difference.

“Troops?” asked Ash.

“Yeah,” I said. “This resort is near an American militarybase in Germany. So it’s always been a popular place for them to go forR&R. But itreallygot popular a few years back when someone starteda rumor that sexy elves deliver presents to troops staying there. And if thetroops catch the sexy elves, they get to do sexy things to them. It was me. Istarted the rumor.”

“Could we get the troops to protect us?” asked Ash. “We coulddress up like the sexy elves and…”

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