Page 17 of Single Girl Rules: HoHoHo

“A fedora?”

“Cigars?”

“A three-piece suit?”

“Really good chicken parm?”

“Cement shoes?” suggested Slavanka.

“Oooh,” I said. “Those really are excellent for disposing ofbodies in the Hudson. And they’re deceptively difficult to make. Contrary topopular belief, you can’t just pour cement into a standard shoe. You need anice steel toe so it doesn’t tear from the weight. And a little rebar can go along way.”

“What about a baseball bat that’s extra good at breakingkneecaps?” said Ash.

“No, no,” said Slavanka. “Repeal RICO act.”

How the hell does Slavanka know about the RICO act?Shecould barely speak English. “That’s actually an amazing idea. But congress isn’tin session until after Christmas.”

Slavanka frowned. “Then we buy baseball bat. Extra thick to breakkneecap better.”

“We could engrave them with motivational quotes,” added Ash. “Like…Snitches get stitches. Or… I’d hate for something to happen to this lovely shopof yours.”

“I’m not sure those qualify as motivational quotes, but I’mloving this idea. I think it’s the perfect gift if we add a device inside thatcan detect bugs.”

“Great idea,” said Ash. “That way no centipedes can catch themby surprise.”

What? No. I obviously meant listening devices.But wewere basically on the same page. And we didn’t have any more time to dillydally. “Perfect plan. Let’s get packing. We need to leave in a few hours if we’regoing to have time to hit the slopes.”

Chapter 5 – Freezing My Nips Off

Christmas Eve, 2013

“Merry Christmas Eve!” I yelled and nudged Ash.

“Huh?” she rolled over and wiped some drool off her mouth.

“We’re about to land! And it’s Christmas Eve!”

“Land where?” She looked very confused.

“At the ski resort. In Germany.”

“You no worry,” added Slavanka. “Stalin kill Nazis. Germaniyaokay now.”

“Nazis weren’t my primary concern,” said Ash. “I was more confusedabout how the hell I ended up on a plane.”

Oooh. Right.Ash had had banana juice last night. Whichmeant she was going to pretend like she didn’t remember any of what happened. Ormaybe she really didn’t remember…

Either way, I brought her up to speed on everything.

“Wow. Did I hit my head sledding or something? I remember thefirst half, but everything after that is just a big black hole in my mind.”

“Does your head hurt?” I asked.

“No, actually. I slept like a baby. I can’t believe I sleptso well on a plane.”

“What’s so hard about sleeping on a plane?” I asked. The plushseats and gentle hum of the engine was so comforting. Daddy’s fun jet was thebest.

“Usually there are arms and legs everywhere and if you aren’tcareful you’ll end up with your head sliding into the lap of a very handsy oldman.” Ash shuddered at the thought.

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