Page 84 of Single Girl Rules: HoHoHo

“Yikes,” said Ash with a nervous laugh. “Santa must havegotten me confused with a girl on his naughty list.” She tossed the lingerie onthe floor and covered it with some wrapping paper. “Someone else should open apresent. Please,” she pleaded.

“Merry Christmas, babe,” said Chad and tossed me a littlepresent. It looked like a jewelry box.

I took my time unwrapping the present.Please don’t be areal engagement ring.I didn’t want to have to ruin Christmas morning bytelling him I wasn’t ready for marriage yet.

“Open it!” he said.

I cracked the box open. And there was nothing sparkly at all.Not an engagement ring. Not a necklace. Not even shitty earrings like the oneshe’d gotten me last year. Just a normal looking key.

“Surprise!” he yelled. “I bought us a place at Harvard. Forwhen you transfer there next fall.”

I laughed. Chad was so silly. I was never transferring to Harvard.And even if I did, I would just live at the Gryphon Club. #GangbangMeInTheShower.But it was a nice gesture or whatever. “Aw, thanks, babe!” I ran over and gavehim a big hug.

Ash looked so upset so I gave her a little shake of the headto let her know it wasn’t happening. My besties were at the University of NewCastle. And the better dicks were there too. Except Flash.

“I got you a present too,” I said to Chad. “But first I wannahave some monkey bread. Anyone else want a piece?”

“I’ll take some,” said Ash.

“Maybe me,” said Slavanka. “What ratio of monkey meat toflour you use? I not like when over half. Too much monkey.”

Ash gagged a little. “Wait. There aren’t any actual monkeybits in the bread, right?”

I shook my head. “Nope. It’s just bread smothered with sugar,cinnamon, butterscotch, and pecans.”

“No monkey?” Slavanka looked disappointed. “I pass.”

I looked at Chad.

“Sure. I’ll have a piece,” he said.

“Can you help me, Daddy?” I asked.

“Of course, princess.” He got up and walked to the kitchen.

I followed him. But first, I reached into my stocking andgrabbed the two envelopes that had been stuffed there early this morning. Tommyand the banana king had delivered as promised.

“Guess what,” I said as Daddy opened the oven. The smell ofcinnamon and sugar filled the room.

“What?” he asked.

“I got you the best present ever.” I pulled the envelopes outand put them on the table. “Merry Christmas, Daddy.”

While he opened the envelopes and read the documents inside, Iflipped the monkey bread out of the bundt pan and started cutting it.

“Chastity,” said Daddy. “Princess. Are these real?” He heldup the documents and pointed to the signatures from the Locatellis and Chadwicks.

“Absolutely. As of this morning, we have an alliance withboth of them. And you’re the boss of bosses.”

“This is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. ButI can’t accept. I want to retire, not get a promotion.”

“I thought you might feel that way.” I flipped to the back ofthe signature page and pointed to addendum A. “This is an optional part of theagreement that you can exercise as you see fit. You can read the whole thing toget all the details. But basically, the Chadwicks and Locatellis are going to doublecross us and steal all our buyers. Without anyone to sell to, we’ll gobankrupt. Or at least…that’s how it’ll look to the rest of the world. Becausewe’ll stop living lavishly. And you can retire in peace.”

“You’d give up all this so that I can retire?”

“I mean…we’ll still have all the money we’ve stashed away. Andwe can still use it in secret. But yes, I’m willing to pretend to be broke. Atleast…until I find a way to earn it on my own. How hard can it be to make abillion dollars? I’ll just invent more boner darts or something.” I shrugged.

“You’re the best daughter in the world.” Daddy pulled me intoa hug. “But wait. What about you and Chad? Even if I retire, you’ll still bethe wife of a mob boss.”

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